End of the road?

On the bus now on the way to school. Decided to blog since its gonna take quite long to reach and im probably gonna be late.

Can't believe this is the last day of school for this year. Even though I've been looking forward to this day for quite long, both with excitement and a tinge of sadness. This means lesser class interaction. This also means we only have one year left with each other. Jc life is too short to cope with all of it's syllabus and to forge really strong friendships. I always thought that suffering together would forge greater bonds. But maybe that's only for physical suffering; just like in scouts. In this education that we have it's all just becoming more of a struggle for alphabets. What ever happened to values? When the hell has all mottos of all schools become achieving academic excellence?? Maybe it's just nj? I don't think so.

It's just ironic. The more I think about it the more I feel that if you do well in academics your conduct grade's gonna be excellent. But the thing about conduct grades is, is it really a good measure of the values the student has, or does it reflect how much he is willing to conform to the school's iron grip? I think it's the latter. I've seen some pretty fucked up person in my class getting excellent conduct even though his character is like a pile of shit mixed with vomit. But why excellent conduct? Because he do as he is told; he obeys mindlessly.

Ok why am I talking about this. Back to my main topic.

Yesterday was a great day although the weather couldn't make up its mine whether or not to be against us. Anyway overall it was alright other than Zi Wei getting his cert screwed up (sorry!) and the freaking side gate being locked. Was also quite happy that we have a new member, Deepak, into climbing. Hopefully we can achieve our goal of getting more members :D

Finally reached botanic gardens. Gonna buy some snacks before going to school.

Today is gonna be another great day though. Ok time to go :) shall blog at home later.

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

IT SUCKS WHEN YOU ACCIDENTALLY OFFEND SOMEONE WHEN YOU DIDNT MEAN TO DO IT

I SHOULD REALLY WATCH WHAT I SAY NEXT TIME, I JUST TAKE EVERYTHING LESS SERIOUSLY NOWADAYS FUCKKKKKK

Thoughts

I think a lot before I sleep. Even now, as I lie on my bed typing this using my phone, I think about what I thought about last night, it felt so long ago. Saturday night was just yesterday. It all feels so surreal. So dream like. As if the events on Friday never happened. But I know I have to face reality tmr again. It's going to hit me hard in the face.

Anyway last night as I was falling asleep, I thought about something that bothered me a little.

I recalled that Saturday afternoon I went climbing with Zhi Yong at CA. He saw my NJ shoe bag and commented negative things about it. I didn't know what was wrong with it and took a closer look at it. Three words were stuck in my head for that whole day. The three infamous words that all NJCians dislike/like.

Service with honour. The school motto. The quality that we, as NJ students, should be imbued with.

But that made me think. How true is this really?

How is studying so hard, working my ass off, getting good results really service with honour to my country? Well on one hand, I don't feel that its very honorable to study so much. The only contribution that brings is most likely a fat bonus to the arrogant Chem department. But I try and make a link between studying hard in NJ, and to its school motto of service with honour. I realize that there is no link. Studying is not bringing service to your country. If I wanted to have true service with honour I would have enlisted long ago. No. What I discovered was that this academically focussed college causes us students to aim for personal success for one's own honour. Not for success to the country. Nor for glory to his/her country. How many of us can truly say that we study hard so that we can improve on Singapore's economic growth when we go out to the working world in the future? This world is a selfish one and this country is no different. It's every worker for himself, every student for himself.

So yes, those are my sentiments. It just bugs me that I don't feel much sense of patriotism when I'm in a school which has a motto that stresses the importance of contributing to Singapore. Maybe because it's all just a well orchestrated hoax that has been going on since 1969 and we are just fools in this paper chase for personal excellence. And in the end, we just end up neglecting the weak and the outcasts.

But I do agree, to some extent, with the other 3 mottos about leadership with sensitivity, scholarship with creativity, loyalty with integrity. Those qualities are truly what a student should have. A sensitive, creative and well learned leader that is honest and loyal to his/her friends and family.

But let's face it. I don't see how doing what we do in school (studying, CCA etc.) is considered an honourable act, and does it actually contribute to our country other than giving teachers a job? If this school want to fulfill its service with honour motto we should all be building families to answer a nation's calling.

Worst day ever

chain of events for today.

a lunch break that was too short.

a group of students skipping lectures.

the group gets punished.

a boy gets abandoned.

the boy gets scolded.

the boy thinks to himself,

should i just give up everything?

what's the point in doing all of this,

if none of it is appreciated.

if everyone is just too controlled by the school.

i don't understand.

many people complain about how the school is restricting them from having fun in their CCAs, etc.

but truly, is it really the school?

or is it because we, as students, chose to become like this, to conform to what the school wants us to be? and even though we lament about it, we dont realise how we've already been manipulated.

i thought i could trust. i thought i could hope. i thought i could believe. all of that was false.

maybe i should just give up. i dont have to do all of this shit. i dont have to tolerate all of this crap on behalf of everyone. i dont have to do so much for this responsibility.

BUT WHY?

why am i still continuing? why am i still persevering? passion. hope. glory. but if im the only one who has all of these, im fighting a losing battle.

but this will be the last time i'll feel like this. its time to get things straight. either you're in, or you're out. no more fucking optional anymore. if you truly want to excel, then stay. i had enough of being treated like shit. im gonna put in all my time and effort, im gonna give everything i got. and if that isnt enough, thats too bad, im no longer giving a damn anymore. because if you wouldn't, why should I? i might as well pursue my own passion with people who really want to be on this journey with me.

i guess ken was right. this school really doesn't focus on CCA. and its not just the school. this will be the final push i give. no more. after that, if anything screws up again, im just gonna fuck it all.

maybe it would be better if i just quit school. im getting sick and tired of all this shit. its just stifling my potential rather than developing it. this place has no future. the reason why i stay is also slowly becoming a reason as to why i want to leave. but i will not just shake off my responsibilities. i will go all the way, till the end. even if it means killing myself, i will do it, AS LONG AS, this team, all of you guys, do your part too.

i should just go out and work now. but its a cruel world out there. and there's more for me to learn before im fully prepared to face society's wrath.

-.-

And now there's a joker in nj uniform. What a failure at life and an epitome of the arrogance and ignorance of nj's chem dept. Hope I can pull this off having only studied so little. All I want now is just to return back to nj. To climbing and to my class. I don't belong here with a bunch of dogs who still believe in this teacher.

Stereotypes

Sigh. I'm trying my best to gain some weight. To bulk up. To get out of this skinny body. But if some things just can't be done, they can't be done, and no matter how much u force it you'll only end up miserable.

And no being small sized does not mean one is a lousy leader. don't jump to conclusions. If a small sized person can be a good leader, it just means he is much better than the average person as he is not only able to achieve great leadership but he is also able to overcome social stereotypes to achieve it. That is a leader who is not hindered by opinions.

Leadership is something that can be nurtured. But if given the wrong environment, a potential leader would not be able to display his leadership potential.

Yeah im truly aware of the negative consequences of being small sized. People won't respect you. You can't get into a relationship easily. Getting a job would be more difficult. And much much more.

But damn it, if I am able to pull through, to show this fucked up judgmental world that I can still be successful despite my physical appearance, then that really shows how much effort I had to put in in order to achieve it. It's not easy being small. I know everyone has flaws in their lives. But have empathy too. You wouldn't like having your flaws picked on. Accept people for who they are. Try being me for once. Try enduring a lifetime of relatives bombarding you with how you are small build and useless.

I vow to show everyone someday that I am not as weak as they think I am. I will push forward. I will prove everybody wrong. Theres no stopping a determined soul.

I am trying my very best. Don't put me down when I'm already almost at my limit.

Whether skinny short tall fat ugly handsome, people are still people and they have emotions too.
I may not be the best leader, the best son, the best friend, the best student, the best whatever, but my conscience is clear as I know I gave my all to everything whether they are successful or not.

Time to bathe and do InR. Really scared that I may not have enough time to practice OP. may end up leaving camp on sat night instead :/

I'll end off with a quote I thought of myself.

"A true leader is someone who knows that there is no single definition of leadership."

Hmm

Everyday we should be proud to be alive. If you are reading this, be thankful that you're still breathing, that you still have hope in your life no matter how insignificant it may be. Always treasure every single second because it could be your last.

Happiness or sadness, anger or content, we should love our life. There are so many people out there that want to live, so we should all appreciate how lucky we are to be alive.

you are me.

sometimes i ask myself why.

you do so much. you cover for others. but yet you end up being the bad guy. you're not even given credit or appreciation. and yet you continue to tell yourself to be optimistic and resilient.

i feel sorry for you.

you used to have strong passion in you, now all you see is a glimmer of false hope. if only i could sympathize with you. but all i can do is empathize.

slowly you realised that the future is bleak. that all your effort would only go to waste. you began to have negative thoughts. what's the point? what's the point if to everyone you are just a fool? and much worse, you are hated by the very people you used to care about so much. and yet nobody understands. and you think to yourself, how meaningless this life is. everything you believed in - brotherhood, love, hope, family, friends, its all just a facade.

still, a tiny part of you wish that some things never happen. you start to think about outcomes that are impossible now that choices have been made, you start to regret those bad things you've done. you wish that you could just leave this world silently without any trace of your existence.

i really feel sorry for you. but i cannot help you.

you know that this would be the last time. you know that there are other places to go where life would be much better for you. and so you make the right priorities. but you will never forget the place you once had, the responsibility you owe.

but maybe all you need is one chance. one chance to start anew despite all the past setbacks.

i think you should take that chance no matter how much it would irk you. no matter how much you think that nothing good will come out of it. no matter how much it feels like hell to you when once it was heaven.

i hope you do fine for your future. really worried about you. but just some advice - always look forward, eventually things will be better and your life will sort itself out as long as you set your priorities right. and i hope you don't ever turn into the type of people that you despise so much.

shall end off here and send my InR and go to sleep. hopefully there is no maktab tmr morning. anyway too tired to blog about what happened today but overall the mini class outing to rosemund's house was fun. mr lee came too. we played badminton and tennis and spent a lot of time figuring out gavin's extremely WTF card trick. the lunch and dinner was nice, really thankful that her parents cooked for us. looking forward to the next class outing and class chalet soon :)

goodnight!

Climbnival

Ok so i know Climbnival was yesterday, but i only updated today. that's cause i'm so damn tired. my body feels so sore. strangely my arms recovered quite fast. nowadays after every climb my arms regenerate really quickly. it's like all i have to do is to stretch a little, shake a little and then it feels alright again o.o maybe i should try doing pull ups by shaking my arms after getting tired and continuing again, maybe that way i can do even more. hmm.

anyway yesterday was quite a satisfying day. scored 7.2k points, quite satisfied with myself. but i know, i know that i did not train enough, and this isnt my full potential. there's still so much to learn, so much to overcome. it's as if im stuck at this level for way too long. it's time to overcome the next plateau. and we climbers are going to improve together. no more getting shitty results during competition. no more feeling demoralised that we cannot complete routes. and i felt kinda shitty when registering yesterday, cause our names weren't under any category when other school climbers had their names under their school name. made me think to myself, i really need to get NJ's reputation up. if not we would just become a lost memory, a forgotten failure. but never mind that. After yesterday I only became even more motivated to bring our climbing team to greater heights. i really hope next year will be one that is fulfilling. i don't want to see everything crashing down, knowing that i'm to blame. i know for sure i would meet some setbacks here and there, i can already foresee them even now. i just hope i can stay strong next year.

think my body is kinda weak. after yesterday i kept falling asleep and kept getting stomach ache. must have overexerted. really need to start training intensively. i think doing the 100 reps stuff once every two days isnt enough. i need to do it everyday in order to overcome the next plateau. i'm kinda scared though. i'm afraid of overclimbing, overrunning, overdoing all my exercises. because i may lose weight. i don't want to lose weight anymore. i had enough. i need to put on some weight if not im screwed during my NS years.

ok i had enough. no more scrawny boy. its time to grow up. both mentally and physically.

ok time to finish up InR and sleep early for tmr. going for class outing at bestie's house!! :D looking forward to it a lot!

shit

today was a fun day. too lazy to elaborate but it was a fun day.

climbnival tmr. feel so unprepared. bloody weather. if not we could have trained more often...

doing InR now. glad that i finally started. but cant think of constructive shit to write.

idk why but i feel like shit now.

getting more frustrated nowadays. no matter how much happy times i go through, i still cant help but feel like shit. because i know deep down all this could be taken away easily.

the more i live, the less i feel alive.

shall end off early. going to sleep now goodnight everyone. it is a sad world out there..

fulfilling day

today was a really great and fulfilling day even though i was really exhausted.

woke up at around 9 and rushed to bathe and eat. thankfully my mum gave me a lift to school. reached slightly late for OAC meeting. we discussed quite a lot of stuff. helped zhi yong check the gas lamps/stoves. it was really fun cause one of the gas stove was leaking really badly and so we decided to light it up at some corner to leave it to burn until no more gas would come out because from past experiences, opening the gas canister would make it freeze.

after that went to play basketball with joel yip and zhi yong. was fun cause we kept air balling and after that we had a great game with matthias and some of his classmates. could really feel the teamwork among the three of us even though we were outnumbered :)

then we went to eat lunch. felt quite bad for wasting the guo tiao mian that i bought cause i had no appetite. hate to sleep so late and lose my appetite the next day :( met kah siong at the canteen, and we went to the rock wall soon after.

met ken and xinxian there. me, ken, zhi yong and kah siong went to run. felt quite good that i ran 6 rounds even though i felt really cui. li tong was sitting at the grandstand watching us run. then we all went for climbing!

miss tan came with the key. we set up the high wall. cant believe that it didnt rain that badly when we climbed the high wall. looks like all the praying and hoping really paid off. samuel got a flapper quite early thru belaying (LOL) and then we did lots of laps. was really tired and faced lots of difficulty for the first route but after a while i regained my confidence and momentum and managed to do 4 laps on the wall :D really happy that i reached a new milestone. sucky thing was when we were packing up, i let slip the twine and it ran all the way through. luckily zhi yong helped to put it back through the top of the wall after much lol moments. really appreciated ray aun helping to take photos of us climbing too which can be used for posters for next year's get boulder! planning for it really makes me look forward to it. i want to make it a big success!!

after climbing ended it started raining. really thankful it didnt rain during climbing. then zhi yong went home. the rest of us, xinxian samuel joel ken and me went to eat subway at bishan. then went home and bathe and now im online.

was a really tiring but fulfilling day. will sleep early tonight:)

this is a title

went back to school again today to help zhi yong take stock of OAC store. came late cause i overslept :X overall it was a good day cause we cleared some of the stuff in the store, mainly the tool boxes and the ponchos groundsheets etc.

lately i've been really thinking a lot. about life.

well i discovered two things.

1) i think this world i live in (or at least Singapore) is extremely screwed up. why are people listening to k-pop? why do people nowadays listen to music they dont even understand, but they like to listen to it because of the tune? what ever happened to meaningful songs with great lyrics? why is the music industry dominated by superficial crap? i just dont understand what happened to this world. I wish i could have been born earlier. where life was so much simpler back then. when people listened to music that truly taught them life lessons, rather than the shit we have now. i'm sorry if any of you here reading this like listening to that kind of music and u feel offended. but it doesnt matter cause i've offended too many people already with the things i type on this blog. but thats just my thoughts and nobody asked you to read it. i just cant help it but feel that something is terribly wrong.

2) we are humans. we have emotions. yet nowadays this world we live in is so cold. sure there are people around me that make my life cheerful and great, but i still see shit in this seemingly perfect environment. why are people power hungry? why would people sacrifice friendship for leadership? sometimes its better to do the sai kang than just act like a supervisor/IC. empathy is a great skill everyone should learn. im not targetting anyone. its just something that bugs me sometimes. yeah you may get straight As, the most prestigious awards and the best testimonial, but whats all that if you lose all your friends and even neglect your family? How is that life? in this endless pursuit of excellence, we ironically become cold-hearted creatures. one's character is just as important as one's capability.

i don't know what else to write because what ever i write i end up backspacing again. shall end here today.

oh and here's an example of crap.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pSuBZTW48YI&feature=topvideos_music

and here is an example of true music which is meaningful.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=erFxFsTZaMs

...

i have to set my priorities straight.

i wish

its time to choose. the choice is clear.

that i

appreciation or ostracism.

could only

which idiot would choose ostracism.

give up

me.

but I

but this will be the final time.

cannot as

its 1am. multitasking three things at once.

a part

is it just me.

of me

or do i now type with spaces in between lines.

would not

its because i hope somehow

allow this

someone would be able to read between the lines.

to happen