The Unspoken Mutuality

So... My army friends discovered my blog and read a lot about it. Some of them were surprised at how I actually felt during my days in army. I just want to clarify with them this: they were just my inner thoughts, they don't reflect my actions. Everyone felt depressed or at least sad at one point in their life. If you haven't actually felt that way before then you have never truly lived and you don't know what it means to be human; to have emotions. I also want to make other things clear, I try not to write people's names on my blog so as to protect their identity. It makes me feel uncomfortable if strangers know who my friends are. So it's not that I don't care or that you guys don't matter in my life, it's just that my blog isn't some popular website meant to boost your social status, it's just meant as an outlet for me to write about how I feel and for my closer friends to keep in touch with what I'm up to. I'd just like to make a request to anyone who I know that's reading this blog now, which is to not talk about my blog publicly, If you want to talk about it to me privately I'm okay with it. 

I'm back in full force to my climbing training again. This week has been a great one :) 

Here's some photos of some random stuff I did during the past few days in chronological order:

That one arm campus rung lock

Best place to nap

Route setting in school

Lead climbing!

Our anti-rat box haha

Cute CA teddy bears!!

Life has been happy and fun :) 1 more hour to the end of work and the start of my climbing training :D

Not the end

So I didn't climb today because I've been having a really bad stomach pain and severe diarrhea since yesterday morning. Had to bear with it throughout work yesterday and I swear it was excruciating. I don't know if it was something wrong that I ate or there's something wrong with my body. But seeing that the diarrhea hasn't stopped till now, I'm getting worried that it could be the latter. I've never felt such sharp pain before and this has been the longest time a diarrhea has lasted for me. Okay I know it sounds weird that I'm describing my shit, but I'm quite scared that it could be something more serious than just an ordinary stomach ache due to food poisoning. Anyway, I went to see a doctor today and forced myself to stay at home and rest. I hope I'll be okay by tomorrow. It's going to be a long day at work tomorrow with screwing on tiles in the morning, staff training in the afternoon and work with two new interns that I have to train in the evening. I spent today either being asleep or reading a book on my phone called The Wind Up Bird Chronicle. It's a captivating book that gives me a very dreamy feeling when I read it. 

Don't know if I have time this week to actually climb, with mock comp route setting on Tuesday, driving lesson on Wednesday and work on Friday and Saturday. Maybe I'll start climbing again this Thursday and start with an easy training. My FTT is coming soon at the end of this month and I'm trying to find time to go for more trial tests because so far I've only been for one session. 

I just hope that this stomach pain will go away by tomorrow. I should watch what I eat from now on. I always thought that the way I eat was already considerably healthy, but I guess that's not true. Maybe I just need more fibre in my system. 

What a time to fall sick. What a time. 

-.-

Work today (Friday) was alright, except for something that someone did which really pissed me off so much. I'm really trying very hard not to get angry these days and to control my anger. But man, some of the things that people do can really make your blood boil and make you wonder why they can be so shallow. Fuck. Some of these people need to serve NS and then they'll know how to work better with others. I can be nice and helpful but don't exploit it. Sorry if I sound bitchy right now, it's just my way of venting anger. 

It was a long day at work but closing was really fast despite having to mop. Hope tomorrow (Saturday) will be as good as today's closing. 

Honestly I feel that my injury has fully recovered. So I really can't wait for this Sunday. 

Oh yeah, was also approached by one of the full timers today that he wants me to help set routes from next month onwards. Yay! I was so elated when I heard that from him. I really want to be exposed to all the different jobs in climbing even though I'll only be able to work till August. 

Can't really sleep right now cause the past two nights I fell asleep really late. 

Need to lead climb more now that I've got the right gear for it. 

Hmm. Goodnight everyone :)

If I'm so wrong, how can you listen all night long?

The eleventh day. My fingers are peeling so much, it's almost as if they're telling me they miss climbing. Soon. Really soon. 

Have some upcoming plans besides work and some new books to read on my phone, so life should be quite interesting for the next few days. 

What I'm definitely looking forward to is this Sunday when I can start climbing again. I'll probably be top roping and doing some light bouldering. Going to krabi soon, need to start planning the itinerary LOL. 

Going to work later at 5. Hmm. 

Day 10

Ok today (by today I mean Tuesday because right now I'm blogging past midnight) was a wonderful day :D 

I really enjoy days like this. It makes me glad that life isn't that gloomy despite not being able to climb at all. I just feel so at ease and happy :)

Looking forward to more days like today, and I'm definitely looking forward to finally ending my hiatus this Sunday! The end is near and I can feel it, these fingers are itching to climb. 

Eight and Nine

Today was a great day at work! Sold a lot of stuff and my sales is looking good :D I think that my bullshit skills have improved a lot ever since I started working the retail side of CA hahahaha. It is an important life skill to sound convincing to others and get people to agree with what you say. even though some of the stuff you say may not make sense to you or it's completely false, you have to believe hard enough that it makes absolute sense and it is completely true in order to convince customers. I didn't think that I'll be good at doing such a job because talking isn't really my working/leadership style but I think it's good that I work on my speech. It'll definitely be useful when I go to university. 

After work I did random climbing shit with the span. He tried my one handed dyno and I was trying to do a one arm campus which is insanely difficult. Hope that some day I'll be able to do it. Got a flapper in the end LOL. not worth it at all now i can't use any hands. May the ninth day be a meaningful day :)

Sevenfold

Usually on a Sunday like this I would be climbing :( didn't do anything much today, just lazed at home. Will probably start doing my PT later in the evening. Thankful that my teacher and coach/boss showed concern for my injury by recommending me a physio even though I wasn't their student any more. The climbing community is great. I think I'll probably go for this physio if at the end of this two weeks things don't turn out too well. One week down, one more week to go.

Seize the day or die regretting the time you lost 

It's empty and cold without you here, too many people to ache over

Trials in life, questions of us existing here, don't wanna die alone without you here 

Please tell me what we have is real 

Sixth Sense

It's day number 6 of my hiatus. I can feel the recovery and my fingers are feeling better since they are spared all the abuse I put on them. 

Yesterday was a great day. It wasn't so busy at the start. I helped to guide two young Indian kids along with Sab cause they were the only ones in the whole place. The Indian girl asked me to demonstrate to her how to do the first part of a 6A route on the auto belay wall. At first I was hesitant cause of my injury, but then I decided that it couldn't be that bad anyway. So as I started climbing the route as she watched, I could really feel an adrenaline rush through my body. It felt so good to climb again even though it's been only a few days. If I could I would have wanted to free solo up the wall LOL. But anyway, I didn't feel any pain at all since the tiles were all so good so I guess it's okay. But I'm still going to refrain from climbing in order to make a full recovery. 

Work was boring after that cause I was working retail yet again. Helped to settle some stuff like calling people about their shoe reservations, coiling up rope, labeling the price tag on items etc. sales was alright yesterday cause it was quite crowded. I was so eager for work to end and go have dinner haha. 

Off to work again later at 1pm. I swear I won't let this injury put me down. I'm gonna train even harder than before once I'm done recovering, but this time I'll make sure I give myself adequate rest. May my body be ready for what's to come at the end of this hiatus. 

Go Fourth

Today has been a really lazy day so far. Starting work at 5pm later. Yesterday wasn't really so bad after all :)

Woke up late today cause I was up late last night. Started the day off with some light exercise: 100 leg raises, 100 crunches, 5 x 60 seconds front plank, 50 assisted one legged squats on each leg (I can't do that many without leaning against a wall), 100 weighted squats (wore my harness and tied a 5kg weight to it), 100 lunges and 100 tip toes. I FINALLY DID LEGS DAY. although it's not much, it's a start for me considering how I never exercise my legs other than running. Didn't do any arm exercises at all cause I'm still letting my injury heal. It's starting to feel better now but I won't take any risk. 

Oh yeah, I'm really glad that one of the CA full timers (actually now an ex full timer) gave me good advice for my recovery and yesterday during work he also said that when I recover hopefully he can train me. Oh man it'll be so cool to be trained by someone as strong as him haha. I'm looking forward to that. 

Now I'm just lazing at home after finishing my lunch. It feels good to just lie on my bed and do nothing. Absolutely nothing. It's been a long time since I had time to myself to just relax. I think everyone needs moments like these every once in a while. 

I hope all goes well for work later :)

The 3rd Day

I'm so bored at work right now.

It's the third day of my hiatus and I'm starting to feel a little empty. Maybe it's because I'm seeing everyone climb at work but I can't do any of it. Went to do  my FTT trial tests today and it went pretty bad :/

I've been quite off lately, I don't know what's wrong with me. Something isn't right and I don't know what. I need to get myself back again. 

I'm working again tmr but I don't know what to do before my shift starts. Ugh fuck my life. 

Day 2 without climbing

Second day of my hiatus. The pain is still present but I think it will heal with time. Can't do simple tasks with my left hand, sort of handicapped for now. No cold turkey yet. I hope the addiction and psyche won't kick in so soon and make me tempted to climb cause that will really suck. 

Day 2. I spent my day doing more meaningful and happy things. It's nice to have a change of pace in life. That doesn't mean I'll stop exercising though. Shall start running real soon and come up with a proper legs and core training that will keep me active. Maybe it'll be a good time for me to put on some weight too. Hmm. I don't know how long this hiatus is gonna last but I'm giving it two weeks. If it's still not okay by the end of it then I have no choice but to go see a physio and not take part in Pumpfest. 

May tomorrow get better. 

Shit just got real

Okay so my finger injury just got worse yesterday while climbing. This time I am certain I have to stop climbing for at least two weeks. Was holding a pocket with two fingers on my left hand then I suddenly slipped, putting my entire weight on those two fingers temporarily before I heard a soft pop sound and an extremely painful strain from my fingers up till my forearms. Now my wrist area is in pain and I can't bend all my fingers properly any more. Sigh. I don't understand how I can get injured so frequently these days as compared to army. Army is the time when most people get injured or sick whereas I have been fortunate enough to have never gotten MC before. But now when I have all the time in the world to climb and train, all the injuries just start coming up. 

I'll try to do other non upper body exercises for the next few days. Maybe I'll occupy my time by running more and doing more core and legs exercises. 

And so it begins. The hiatus. 

Day 1. It is going to be a more mentally painful to not climb for two weeks. Discipline. It has to be done. 

My body has also been feeling very weak the past few days. feels as if I forgot how to human and everything seems to fail. From heart murmurs to nose bleeds, to knee pains and finger strains, to stomach pain and endless flu. 

I need to take this two weeks to recuperate and just relax. I'm just glad that throughout all of these misfortunes, at least there's something to be happy about. if there's ever a happiest day of my life, it would be almost everyday right now.

Off to work, till next time. 

I'm suffocating under words of sorrow

Unspoken words. They are just like the air you can't exhale, and you're left to suffocate on them. 

I won't say a word. Not a single word. And I'll just suffocate forever. 

My fist, your mouth, her scars.

Happy April Fools Day everyone. It's midnight right now and I can't sleep cause there's just too much going through my mind. I know I'm going to regret not sleeping early tonight cause I'm going to wake up feeling wrecked the next morning but I don't care. 

My finger is slowly recovering. I think it'll be able to fully recover by Pumpfest if i just climb twice a week. I decided not to go on a hiatus because my goal of getting into finals will not be hindered so easily.