Intermediately

So today I took part in a climbing competition after not competing since 2012. It was a very bittersweet competition for me for many reasons. 

I competed with a lousy body. My training momentum was lost because of my fever. My body still felt weak and unprepared. My left big toe was still infected. My mindset wasn't there because I doubted myself. 

But deep down I know all these are just excuses. Excuses to the reality that I am simply not strong/smart enough as a climber. I have much to learn. I am still weak. I shouldn't be giving excuses because if it's meant to be then it's meant to be. I should learn to adapt to any setbacks that hinders my climbing and be ready to perform when the time calls for it. 

When I was done with my climb, I came out of the competition zone feeling so angry at myself. I felt that I did so badly. I felt that all the past 6 months of training that I put in was just gone to waste. I've never felt so shitty before after finishing a competition. I felt that I was on my worst form ever and I performed badly, way below my expectation. So it really surprised me that I managed to secure a place in finals. While I am glad that I still stand a chance to actually win something and that I finally got promoted to inter men category, I still don't feel that I deserved it. Maybe it's because I felt so downcasted after the competition that finding out that I made it through to finals conflicted my emotions and I didn't know how or what to feel any more. I just felt so confused. I don't want to admit it but I wish I hadn't got in. But now that what's done is done, I'll just have to do my best this Sunday during the finals. I'll really have to get my mind sorted out and my body fixed if I want to stand a chance to get a podium position. I know that I am there already, I just need that little bit of extra luck on that day itself. 

I don't even know what I'm saying any more. It seems like my words are just getting more and more inconsistent. I don't even want to try and type more stuff. Maybe next time. 

There's just too much on my mind for me to sleep soundly tonight.

there's only so much I can take

So it's only a few more days to Pumpfest. Truth be told, I don't feel confident and psyched for it at all. After falling sick so badly I felt like I lost a lot of precious momentum and climbing strength despite a hiatus of only two weeks. So I'm not really expecting too much for this competition. It's sad how I trained so hard for it in the past 6 months, dedicated all my time to climbing only to have it crash and burn on the very last lap. I guess it's just my bad luck. 

Anyway, life hasn't been going that well for me the past few days. Been facing some family issues which only stresses me out even more. I don't want to talk much about it but it's just been really frustrating. 

Recently I've been to engine camp which was quite fun. I really enjoyed most of the activities. However, somehow I had this very strange feeling throughout the camp that somehow the friends that I'll be making in uni can never compare to the friends I made in JC, army, sec sch, or even at my workplace. I just have this bad feeling about it. I question people's intentions of friendship sometimes. I know that's not a very good thing to do but I guess I want to choose my friends wisely. 

Now I'm off to climb again. I hope today will be a good day. It has already started off on such a bad note.

Fucking fever

So I've been sick since Sunday, 31st may up till now and it's probably the longest period of time I've been sick in my whole life. I have been down with an extremely high fever, flu, and never ending cough. This really sucks. I took all the medication, rested properly, hydrated myself adequately etc etc. and yet the fever just comes and goes. 1 hour after I eat the fever medicine, my temperature goes to 36.5. 3 hours later my body heats up again and it even reached as high as 39.4 once. I try to find a reason as to why I deserve this. I guess it's just my bad luck. Ever since I left the army, it has become a routine for me to get injured or fall sick at least once a month. 

Maybe my immune system is just weak. Maybe I should change my diet and my lifestyle. Even though I rarely eat junk food, I still don't eat enough fruits and veggies. My mum suggested to me to eat only fruits and veggies for 3 days straight and see the change in my body. Maybe I'll give it a try once this damn illness is gone. 

It has been 6 days that I've been down with this stupid illness. Initially I wanted to take a hiatus from climbing to heal up my toe for Pumpfest but it seems like now I have other bullshit to worry about. I'm so frustrated with my life right now. Pumpfest is in 2 weeks and here I am lying on my bed barely able to walk up and down stairs without support. I am screwed for it. This has just killed off all of my past 6 months of climbing training. Just like that. One fucking fever destroyed all my hard work. All my hours I put into my training. All the dedication and sweat and flappers and injuries. It's as if my fever is laughing at my feeble attempt to recover because it knows that it has the upper hand and it'll continue to torment me. 

This makes me wonder if I'm just not cut out for climbing. How do I get back to where I was before? My body is so weak now. I feel terrible and hopeless. I feel so depressed just thinking about it and I'm desperate to find a way out but there isn't one at all. I have also missed out on so many important occasions over the past few days. I try to convince myself that others are okay with it, but still I would feel the guilt. The guilt of knowing that deep down, I have failed.