They say JC life is the most stressful years of a person's life. i cannot agree more.
i need to manage my time better and get my priorities right. its time to start worrying. really worried for my gp and econs cause im not good at these two subjects at all.. especially econs. sometimes i wish for a better teacher, but i cant always get what i wish for and i must just live with it. i dont know how am i gonna achieve an A or B for econs at the rate im going...
JC life is just too short and too stressful. there's hardly enough time to just stop and reflect about life.
it seems as if only yesterday i first stepped into NJ.. and now im close to leaving really soon. i know some of us cant wait to get out of here, i cant wait to get out of NJ too, but there will be some things i will definitely miss, believe it or not.
Life is fragile. I must not take it for granted anymore. There are so many people out there that are worse off than me. Being alive is already a fortunate thing and a blessing.
I am lucky to be alive. I will appreciate life more from now on. Don't ever be arrogant and look down on others because death can just take it away from you in a flash... Help those in need and be humble in everything that you do.
Eye opener. Today has been a life changing experience that I will never forget as it has taught me a valuable life lesson.
I am a fool to be even upset about trivial matters in school. That shit is nothing. Nothing at all compared to what people who are suffering out there face...
Today's training was good. Did endurance. Shall consider joining Climbnival... I still can't get it off my mind. I tell myself that people come and go and I must accept it when I'm in no position to do anything much. But it's a voluntary responsibility that can emotionally traumatize a person.
Day 4. Ignored. But I don't care anymore. There are far more things important to worry about.
And so I waited. And waited. Nothing came. I couldn't wait any longer. That's it. I don't care. I'm going for it. Stretch. Yoga. Warm up. Rest. Demo. Watch. Learn. Breathe. Pray. Hope. Ready. Gather. Shoes. Chalk. Final stretch. Deep breath. Whistle blows. Into the competition zone. Here I go. Route 1. First tile smooth. Swing. Swing. Matched. Next tile slip. Slipped again. Must not slip. Sticked. Matched. Up I go. Another jug. Matched again. Ended. Jumped off. Fist bump. Roared in glee. First flash. Exhilaration. Ran. Route 2. Breathe. Breathe. Running. Jumped. Sticked. Pinched. Shifted. Slipped off. Roared. Signaled. Another try. Running. Jumped. Sticked. Pinched. Shifted. Sit in. Matched. Adrenaline. Psyched. Tunneled vision. Fell. Whacks mattress. Let it go. For now. Slow down. She said. Just getting started. Route 5. Started. Muscle memory. Left. Right. Left. Right. All too familiar. Completed. Jumped off. Second flash. Glances at timer. 16 minutes left. Not pumped. Not satisfied. Route 3, 4 and 6. Futile. Route 2. Close. Even closer. Not giving up. Jump start. Jump start. Grunt after grunt. 9 attempts. All fruitless. End of the timer. End of the game. Adrenaline stops. Perspiration. Fatigue. Submit. Thanked. That was it. Gather. Discussed. Assessed. It was over. Checked. Still nothing. 3 days. I am nothing.
Today's the day. I knew what I had to do. Woke up at 6.45am, took a quick shower, ate my usual breakfast and headed off for Mountbatten. Throughout my journey, only one thing was on my mind: completing routes. I was sick of and disappointing with myself for not getting any tops and flashes for all the previous comps, and today I have finally flashed two routes. I know my aim was to get 3 tops, but i'm still contented with this result.
Really glad to see some juniors coming down to support us :) makes me think to myself: how can the school break apart such a bonded CCA?
Towards the end of the day, I only felt a sense of melancholy. Not because of my own results. But because of some of the other climbers who didn't do as well, and Filbert who had to go through shit. I just feel helpless when others look down on us, mock us, laugh at us, because I know there's nothing I can do to retaliate and fight for our reputation except to do even better. How strong our team is, is not based on the best climber, but how strong the worst climber is. I can only say that improving together and motivating each other is always the key to having a strong team. There's no point being good yourself when others are demotivated. and sometimes i feel that i should do much more to help the rest..
When one of our members quitted only recently, i only felt hatred and anger. But i cannot blame his choice that is governed by his parents. If you truly have passion for climbing, you would go all out to fight for it, no matter what others say. There was a period of time when my parents were against me climbing so much because they felt it was too heavy a commitment. I didn't care. I knew this was where my passion lay, and nobody, NOBODY, can take it away from me.
Now that OBC is over, its time to move on, learn from our mistakes and improve even further for the upcoming Boulderactive.
time to help zhi yong with the outdoor cooking proposal.
oh yeah, was also touched by my parents sending me an sms for me to do well for OBC. i guess they finally realised how much i love this sport, and how i will never give it up for anything.
Good day today :) climbing was really great cause there are a lot of juniors. Really pray that this CCA doesn't close down. And I'm happy to see the passion in the juniors too :D
Quite bothered by something else but there's no point worrying about that.. OBC is much more important. Time to take this shit seriously. Hope my injuries heal in time by this Saturday too.. No matter how hard I try, no matter all the effort that I put in, it is never enough... Guess I have to get over this or maybe try and save the situation. I don't know where I went wrong but maybe it's just me as a whole.
You have to give up one thing for another sometimes. There's just so much one person can handle. Sacrifice comes with pain and suffering first; the benefits are only reaped at the end.
On the bus to school to meet Buffy to do homework before going for training at 2 at onsight. My right shoulder has not recovered fully yet but it feels better than on Monday.
seize the day, or die regretting the time you lost.
I hope I am able to finish most of my homework during this march hols. Can't slack off now. Sort of regret that I did not do my vectors 3 tutorial earlier, now it's overdue and accumulated work. But nothing I can do about it except to face it and try and finish as much as I can.
Shall blog after the day is over. Now's the time to enjoy the rest of the bus 74 journey :)
The beginning of death,
The reduction of life.
Every single breath,
An endless strive.
I need motivation. Motivation for everything.
Someday I will find a quiet corner in the world and retire there. I just want to live a simple and happy life. Just to die with no regrets.
I hope there's enough in me to survive this year. I really hope so.
If my heart was still alive
I know it'd surely break
And my memories left with you
There's nothing more to say
Moving on is a simple thing
What it leaves behind is hard
You know the sleeping feel no more pain
And the living are scarred
To all the world
To all my friends
I love you
I must leave
These are the last words
I'll ever speak
And they'll set me free
So as you read
Know my friends
I'd love to stay with you all
Please smile
Smile when you think about me
My body's gone
That's all
Climbing was really good today. Can feel myself improving with every training. Was quite off form today cause of my right shoulder but I think by the next two days to thursday's training it should be ok.
I'm quite sad to hear that miss g may be closing down the team. Damn. I just feel that I didn't do enough as a CAO. But I guess the aj ex vice capt was right, there's nothing much u can do if your juniors aren't enthu. But honestly I think it's quite unfair. Most CCAs have low intake in NJ especially for sports, and she can't expect them to be enthusiastic when it's only march. That would be creepy. My batch only became enthu after pumpfest. Before that we took everything lightly. Maybe I should find time to have a heart to heart talk with the juniors, at least get them inspired and motivated. But I need to phrase my words appropriately and use the right tone.
I don't know how I will react to the demolition of the boulder gym and the possible disbandment of the climbing team. It makes me feel that everyone's effort that they put in for climbing is just a fucking joke to the school. The only thing that brings me happiness in NJ, and they had to take it away. Here's a big FUCK YOU to NJ. I am not going to let this pass without any resistance. I know ultimately I will lose this futile battle, but someday I will achieve my goal, regardless of whatever sacrifices I have to make.
I won't let the college step over me so easily. It's time to plan how to get more members to join climbing. Miss g may say that she doesn't want us to do anything, but as the peak batch of our climbing team we have to salvage the situation and not just let it pass and for our team to die so easily.
The next CAO, whoever u may be, I am behind you all the way, if you need any support I'll definitely help you. Cause once I am no longer liable to the school when I graduate, I will do whatever it fucking takes to sustain this team.
I hope whoever is in my batch that reads this would support me on this, and be reminded that we are the last hope of NJ climbing team, and we must do our best in promoting climbing and to inspire our juniors. I cannot do this alone. Together we can overcome the shit the school throws at us as one team.
I know it's impossible to get top 8 for OBC, but come pumpfest, maybe, just maybe, one of us will be able to do it. And the school can go and eat its own shit along with the medal we earned for them.
Today was not a very eventful day. Woke up really late today because my body was aching terribly from yesterday's training. Did vectors 3 tutorial which is super overdue work for the whole morning and afternoon. Had my breakfast and lunch at home. My right shoulder is aching the most. Hope it wouldn't affect me so much for tmr..
Went to meet ken at punggol park to do planks and pull up exercises like typewriter and pyramids. We ran a bit. Realized my running really sucks like shit. Need to train up if not I can forget about being a commando in NS. I don't know why I suck at running so much. I think it's my technique and my lung capacity. It pisses me off a lot that this body was made to climb rather than to run. I want to be able to be good at both...
Ate dinner with ken at subway at hougang mall after that. We stopped exercising halfway cause it started to drizzle. After that I walked with him as usual to his house where i would take a bus ride home. We talked about some random shit. Makes me think that I really don't give a shit about what we discussed about. Maybe because my jc life was just purely focussed on climbing and academics. Which is the right thing to do, but seeing other people being involved in it makes me feel as if I am a boring and hopeless fucktard. Still, I don't want to end up like last time. I shall avoid this shit at all costs. Unless I really do discover my feelings again in my two years in jc. Or maybe I already have, just that I never did realize it or never considered the possibilities and take the first step.
Whatever. There are far more things to worry about :/ but I can't help but feel sad for myself sometimes.
Tomorrow's training shall be even tougher than yesterday's. I'm gonna push myself beyond my limit tomorrow. Time to get psyched!
What a great day today. Went to school then went for climbing training.
The weather was really in my favour in school today. The rain stopped at the perfect moment:) the rain started again the moment I reached onsight.
Words can't describe today. It just goes to show life is so much better without school work. But I know these times will have to come to an end very soon..
Somehow i just knew you will come back. And I was right.
Today's one of the best days of my life. Can feel that I am going to overcome the next plateau soon. The ability to do routes I couldn't even star just a few months ago really shows something :O
I am going to keep pushing till i reach my peak at pumpfest. It is my final competition this year and the benchmark I set for the juniors. NJ climbing can only get better.
I'm quite tired from all of today's activities. I can feel my eyelids closing. Time to sleep.. Shall crash early for the night and repay my accumulated sleep debt from the weekdays:)
I'm tired. But I must press on and complete this damn gp assignment. Looking forward to the march hols cause of intense training. But not looking forward to all the work that needs to be done. Time to go into full mugger mode...
Just like that, Thursday passes. And what did I do? Absolutely nothing...
Climbing training today was really good. I can feel myself improving again. Been a long time I felt that feeling. Really thankful to have a coach like Jups. Inspires me to want to be just like him someday. I think I'll be really happy being a climbing coach. I asked my parents before about choosing such a career. They said I was too obsessed with climbing. They said I shouldn't waste my academic ability. They want to see me successful, to be a doctor, lawyer, engineer whatever. But will that truly make me happy? All I want is to lead a simple and happy life. It doesn't have to be complicated by jobs that I may not like to take up but I have to anyway. Most people in this society don't know what career path they want in the future. It just seems like everyone is studying blindly. But do we ever stop and realize that the more we study to achieve success, the less happy we become? I always thought life was about living it happily. Sounds quite naive but I strongly believe in it.
1.50am. Better finish up this essay.. Would rather spend some time reflecting through blogging though.
I told myself this is it. That it would be a good choice. But I end up hurting myself once again. Why am I so foolish? Perhaps the people we never really appreciate are the people that care about us most..
Some day when I have children, I will tell them about all the different people I met in my life, and how unique/weird their behavior are. From a guy who has a flawed mentality of leadership and a superiority complex, to a girl who is extremely thick skin and self centred as she only cares about testimonials.
Why are people just so fucked up sometimes? Or maybe it's just because most people reveal their ugly side during difficult times like JC life? I don't know. But the more I grow up, the more I realized something is wrong with society.
Anyway, my school is really hypocritical. First they want to tear down the boulder gym for the expansion of the art block. Fine. Now they want us to open up the rock wall for their stupid fundraising. I'm not one who complains a lot but even an idiot can tell something is terribly fucked up here. Unless you're some bootlicking conformist piece of shit, it is obvious the school is only taking advantage of our ability to use the rock wall for their own benefit. Once they don't need us anymore, they'll just forget us as if we were an obsolete memory. But I'm not going to let that happen. I'm going to use this incident to help appeal for the boulder gym again. I don't want to leave this school sadly. I don't want to break down when they tear it down..
And why are we paying so much for misc fees? With all the road run fundraising and the fundraiser tickets along with this shit made me realize the school really has a very low budget, and I suspect there could even be embezzlement. There's no way the money I'm paying is going directly to what I think I'm paying for.
One student pays $100. How many students are there in the school? Do we really need that much money to maintain a website, wireless and to print and publish a year book? I don't think so. I think this is extortion.
What ever. Not like what ever I say will change anything. Even if I want to do something about it, no change will ever take place in this inflexible system.
Proud to be an NJ Climber. Other than that, everything else can just fuck off once I graduate.
there are just some days in life that you wish would never end because you do not want to face reality.
got piles of work to do for the next 2 days. hope i can endure all of it and wouldnt end up falling sick again.
cannot risk falling sick anymore because OBC is coming up. got to watch what i eat, watch what i do. can't risk any injury now too.
before my laptop is my blank piece of foolscap paper that is suppose to be my GP essay. got two essays to do by this friday and H3 homework due tmr. i'm gonna do GP because honestly, fuck H3. there's also my long overdue maths homework which i feel v bad to mr lee for not handing it in.
and i turned on my laptop not to blog but i ended up blogging. got to express my thoughts everyday and i guess blogging is a good outlet to remove some of the frustrations faced in school. keeps me sane, reminds me of the goals that i must achieve.
filbert is right. it is just all a facade. leadership, values, all that crap it's just a mask to cover up the true academic endeavours of the school. holistic education.. but i shall listen to what my parents say. right now, im just NOTHING to the government/education system because i am just a student. i cannot do much to change the system. that's why the only way out is to tolerate all this shit first, make it big in life, and then when i get enough power and influence, change the current system to make life better for the future generations to come. it may sound ambitious and naive but i think this is what lacks in today's society. people who are willing to make sacrifices to bring about changes for the better but are rational in doing so.
This country I live in, Singapore, it just puts too much importance on results, results, results. All day long, i hear people say in NJ i want to get A, i want to get A, im scared i won't get A. i'm just so fucking tired of it all. what have we become as students? i thought education was about the upbringing of sound values in the young. but now, we are nothing but robots that produce alphabets. there needs to be more emphasis on important values like care and compassion, teamwork etc. which i feel is fucking neglected in today's society and education. what ever happened to the basic principles of human kind? i'm sure these values are important in getting a job/scholarship next time too.
i just cannot stand it when faggots get straight As through mugging like crazy but they have no qualities at all as they're just plain muggers. what's the point of leaving this school with straight As but not having a single friend at all? to me, that is not living a true life. life is more than just grades.
but enough about this load of bullshit. some day if i'm good enough, i'm going to try and change this system. it would not be easy, and i will definitely not do this alone. but it's time the government fear the people. we forgive, but we never forget.
if i have offended anyone with this post, well too bad. you don't have to read it.
i think i will start doing my work. wasted half an hour on blogging.
oh yeah today's hike was really fun. hmmm. maktab was ok too. felt good to do again after so long. cant believe term 1 alr ended. maybe its time to really start the momentum for studying.
thinking about it again, it just makes me quite depressed. maybe im just unlucky when it comes to this kind of thing. i shall see how things goes. if anything even happens that is.
i'm tired. really tired. but i must press on. i will survive this year, and perhaps emerge out with what i truly wish for.
all i want is a simple life for me to be happy. i dont care about wealth and material goods. i just want a stable job and to spend my time happily. maybe i have already found true happiness in my life, but just at the wrong moment.
i suddenly miss walk-in again. it happened so fast that when it ended, it felt so dream like. but did i gain anything from it? i just hope it isn't just memories that I got from it.
anyway, here's a song that really describes how i feel now..
This morning as I came to school, I walked all the way to the Rock wall for some strange reason after tapping my finger. I jus sat down there, staring at the empty rock wall. Many thoughts went through my mind. How I wish I could just sit there and let the world pass by without a care. Just to have some time to just sit down and think through everything. But reality awoke me as the first bell rang. It's back to school again. Another day.
Don't pray for an easy life, pray for the strength to survive a tough one.
I will conquer all of these setbacks faced to me. Even if I may fail, I have fought a good battle despite the odds being against me. I can be strong. I can overcome this. I am a climber and nothing can restrict me from getting higher and higher. I need to have more confidence in my life. I'm gonna give my all for this. This is it. I've only got one chance at this and I'm not going to ruin it. It's time for me not to have any painful experiences anymore. It's time to be who I really want to me.
Day by day I feel weaker. Day by day I lose motivation and hope. Day by day I feel more disconnected from the world. And in the end it's just me alone facing all my problems. It's not easy to face the demands of everyone. You can't please everybody no matter how much effort you put in.
If only you knew. If only you realized how simple it is for you to just change my mood...
I hope I survive this last week of term 1. It scares me that term 1 is already over. It just passes by so quickly.
And today I realized I don't like it when people say I look like someone else. It pisses me off a lot. I have my own identity and there's nothing I can do to change my features. Accept me for who I am and not how i look like. The less people see each other superficially, the more we will appreciate values that are overshadowed by appearance.
this week was a good week. ended off really well :) got what i wanted for chinese a levels and the chem test was ok. heats was ok too, quite fun but my thighs still hurt like shit.
ba ok im lazy to blog today. to summarise,
TODAY WAS ONE OF THE MOST FULFILLING DAYS THIS YEAR
First tsunami wall in Singapore being torn down? Maybe we should consider demolishing the very first college too.
It haunted me again today. I just can't get it off my mind.
Anyway today's climbing training was good. The juniors came and I think they really enjoyed themselves. Kinda reminds me of how we were last year haha. Going to miss those fond memories so much.
I tried my best. I really have. But sometimes I'm just tired. Really tired..
Getting my A level Chinese results tmr. Have mixed feelings about it but what's done is done.
Made a bet with ms gao that if I dont get A I will speak Chinese for 1 while week. Lol. Better start practicing my Chinese conversational skills...
Theres also a Chem test tmr but I'm too tired to study for it. Shall just scan through tmr morning.
I think I need to cut down on my arrogance and ego. I don't want to offend others whom I care about.. Humility. I need to learn that important skill.
Sometimes I wish you were there for me; to give me some moral support like how you used to.. I still think about you every now and then and it just fills me with regret and guilt. but it's just all in the past. I don't think you even read my blog anymore. You moved on with your life, I moved on with mine. All the promises that we will never forget each other; am I the only one left that still keeps that promise? But I have to break this promise and get on ahead with far more important things in life right now. I should have done this long long ago but the truth is im in a new school. It's time to get a new life and bury all the past regrets. And I need to wake up this idea before I just dwell on the past forever.