The beginning of the end

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the death of everything

feels like i'm losing my friends one by one, but all I can do is just watch the friendships fade away. But at least that's a way to tell who are the true and real friends around me. Those that understand my absence and appreciate my presence. It's scary to see how easily you can disappear from people's life, as if all the past memories never mattered at all. It sort of reminds me of what death is like. Sure, everyone mourns initially, but within weeks, most just get back to their normal routine lives, as if the person's death was nothing more than a mere speck of dust in a wind of change. It all boils down to who considers you more significant than just a speck of dust. Sometimes I feel guilty for not being a good friend. But I'd rather be myself that to force myself to sustain a friendship. A friendship should not require any effort at all in my opinion, it just requires a mutual understanding and trust which can withstand the test of time. too bad this is not something you can find everyone, some friendships will just have to die eventually.

saturation point

Okay I can't believe it has been more than 5 months since I last posted. As usual, so much has happened that I don't know where to begin. I'll try my best to recall everything that has happened since August last year.

August: the start of y3s1, new freshies joining the climbing team, sent some friends off on exchange. can't really rmb much about this month lol.

September: got rekted at Rockmaster :(

October: grand opening of our school wall!

November: Sab came back to sg :) studied like siao for finals too

December: went to Hampi for team roctrip and also made a small trip to visit Taj Mahal. Can't believe I visited one of the wonders of the world. Climbing there was really fun, sent many nice routes which was really satisfying. Unfortunately, I injured my wrist on the last day of climbing in Hampi on a V9 route which still haunts me up till today because I still haven't recovered yet zzzz

January: a bad start to the year because I couldn't climb at all. Also the start of y3s2 too, my IA internship semester. Currently working at EM as a Process Engineering Intern, so far it's been alright. I'm also taking 2 evening mods (1 paham biz mod to clear my minor and 1 chem eng 5k godlike overkill mod). Also decided to stay in UTR this sem because of the night classes and school is much nearer to Jurong. 

Now: It's week 4 of work and week 3 of school and I'm feeling quite saturated, which is really worrying since I haven't been climbing and going for training due to my injury. but somehow I feel that I'd be more productive if I can climb. Apart from climbing, I can only look forward to spending time with Sab, which I know is only a short lived luxury since I'm busy with school and work and she's going back soon in Feb :( Life really sucks without climbing and it pains me to just watch those around me climb so freely. But I know I have to stay disciplined and grit my teeth through this period of recovery, and just believe that eventually I'll get back again, even though I don't know how long that will actually take. I'm hoping that by mid Feb this wrist will recover after all the measures I've taken and the advice I've heeded from others. As I haven't climbed in so long, I'm also at my heaviest ever of 55-56kg, a weight which I have never reached before lol. No wonder my one arm hangs are a struggle now. If there's one takeaway from this sem, I think it'll be that I can't do everything. Sometimes I hate myself for giving excuses of having no time to do this and that. I always thought of myself to be quite good at managing my time. Work essentially takes up 12 hours of my life each day, from waking up at 6am all the way to the point I get back to school at 6. That only leaves me with 6-7 hours a day, assuming I sleep at 12-1am. And that's just on a day I don't have night classes, on those days another 3 hours are burnt off and that leaves me with a pathetic 3-4 hours. And that's just excluding climbing training. I hate to say it, but this sem is going to kill me and I think the only way I can survive is to be extremely productive on weekends too. but deep down I know that this lack of time just means that some priorities have to take a back seat.  

my thoughts

I have logged in to my blogger several times ever since I last posted but I never really got to writing a proper post, so I hope that this one would make it. The last time I posted was on the last day of May, which has felt so long ago. It has been more than 2 months ever since. I can't really go into much detail about everything that has happened since then, but I will try my best to recall all the significant events. Chronologically:
-Continued my internship
-I pulled out of Pumpfest in the end
-I went for my very first ICT reservist from 19-23 June
-Sab came back during my reservist but I only got to see her after reservist ended
-Took part in my first open comp BA and also got to help out
 -Sab left on the Saturday of BA and unfortunately fractured her leg while running just days before leaving and had to be on crutches :(
-Took part in Transend and got rekted as expected
-Came up with a training plan for myself and decided to follow it religiously all the way till Rockmaster
-Internship ended on 21 July
-Started climbing a lot more since I have more free time
-year 3 sem 1 starts on 14 august, which is next Monday

That's about it. The most significant moment would be Sab's return. It was very heartwarming to see her again. If I could describe the feeling in words, it would be as if I had been viewing everything in black and white ever since she left; but when she was back I could instantly see every colour around me. I know this sounds cheesy but it was pure and genuine happiness. I enjoyed every moment I spent with her when she was back and I felt really sad when she had to leave again. It is a feeling that  have to get used to because this would be the routine of our long distance relationship. It is a painful process but I believe that our relationship is strong enough to survive throughout the 5 long years.

Anyway I decided to blog tonight because I had some inspiration to write something that has been puzzling me recently. Reading my previous post, I think this line is sort of relevant to what I'm about to talk about: "Climbing has always been an outlet for me amidst all the stress accumulated from studying, it has been the beacon of light in my darkest and saddest moments. It is the community of lifelong friends that I have; it is the sport I will always love." I have realised that some of my climbing friends have faced or are currently facing tilted/burned out moments over climbing. I am no exception to that; there have been moments I just get so damn frustrated over not being able to do a move, or to complete a route, or to do a move which I could do before, or finish a route that someone else finished etc. and the list is endless. I've discovered that I don't climb really well under such circumstances. In fact, I think most people hardly climb well when they are feeling so frustrated/upset over themselves. I've also realised that even if I were to finish the move/route that triggered me in the end, I still wouldn't feel contented and satisfied with myself, because I would still have the lingering sense of being weak and inadequate. I think the most important training aspect which I should focus on these days is simply this: have fun. No matter how off form I may be, I should enjoy the routes, enjoy the company, enjoy and appreciate the moment that I am still able to do the sport that I love so much, something which we often take for granted. The recent trainings and climbing on my own with friends have been really fun sessions, even though there were some days I was off form, I still felt like I enjoyed myself. I think the competitive and serious mindset doesn't work well on me and it is something I should get rid of. I can't remember what else I felt like saying but I think this sums up most of my thoughts well enough.

I'm honestly not looking forward to the start of school because my few true friends in chem eng are leaving for exchange and I don't know who else in this cohort I can befriend. I should probably try and make more friends next sem lol. I only have myself to blame for ending up in this situation since I never made the effort to make friends from the start and it's probably too late now; everyone has their own impenetrable cliques. Still, I am thankful for the few friends I have in this course and really appreciate their company. It's just going to be quite a lonely semester. Being apart from Sab, I really have nothing to turn to except climbing and my climbing friends. The only good thing about next sem is that the climbing gym is finally coming back, and it'll most likely be ready this month! can't wait for that to happen because I'm just gonna be there 24/7 and studying there even. this coming sem will be the sem I raise my CAP and my climbing. it's getting late and I think I should go and sleep.

Finding Footsteps

It feels like I've been taking backward steps in my life right now, nothing seems to progress except time itself.

Like all other posts these days, I'm gonna talk about climbing once again. My finger pulley injury has not recovered yet even though I thought it did. It started hurting immediately right after I got straight back to climbing 2 weeks ago. Forced myself to take another hiatus again and today is Day 11 without climbing. Decided to take this opportunity to fix my chronic right elbow pains as well, gonna see the same TCM that helped to fix my left elbow previously this weekend. I don't know when this pulley injury is going to recover because I can't tell if it still hurts or not until I start climbing again and it would really suck so much if it still does. I plan to start climbing one week before pumpfest, the upcoming competition in June. Honestly I have absolutely no motivation to take part because of this nagging injury which I can't get rid of and hinders my climbing too much for me to bear with it. I wish I could withdraw from the comp but I guess it's too late. Just have to be prepared to get completely rekted for my very 1st open comp :(

Received my results on Monday as well and I didn't do very well this time. It made me think back and reflect on the entire semester. I didn't slack off at all. Not one bit. All I did was study and climb. I thought it was definitely going to be my best sem since Sab had left for her overseas studies already which sort of meant that I had more time to study. But this mindset proved to be my downfall, I kept thinking that success and good grades were guaranteed because of this and I think I might have been negligent and complacent as a result. It was by far the worst sem results I got so far. I can only think of a few reasons why things ended up this way, and it's either because I'm just not smart enough and I need to get smarter, or everyone else is just working harder. I have long accepted the fact that if I were to do well in this extremely competitive course, I would have to study very hard. Which I can say I definitely did; but that's what almost everyone else is doing as well. It goes to show that hard work won't pay off at all in this course because hard work has become a given already. The only way to set yourself apart is to be able to think smarter and faster, something that is difficult to hone by mindless hours of slogging away on lecture notes/tutorials. But how do I get smarter? I think if I want to really get smarter, I can no longer confine myself to just material that's available to everyone else. I have to venture out, practice textbook questions, seek out knowledge beyond the norm. All of this requires time, something which I find myself having less of with each passing sem. Right now my only two commitments are climbing and studies, but it's already taking a toll on me and truth be told I have considered giving up the former. It is a huge sacrifice to make but I feel that this results only proves that I am not capable enough to manage my time properly such that I can achieve the academic results that I want. Climbing has always been an outlet for me amidst all the stress accumulated from studying, it has been the beacon of light in my darkest and saddest moments. It is the community of lifelong friends that I have; it is the sport I will always love. But unfortunately it now seems like I am left with few choices. I'll have to see how things go once next sem starts. This time I plan to start earlier before school starts itself. I think giving myself a headstart would really help. If I want to do well next sem I have to do what the nerds do lol. There's still 4 more sems left for me to salvage this situation and I hope to make the best out of my remaining time. 

Anyway since I've been injured and out of climbing, I've been doing my own PT as well as running more often to train for my upcoming reservist in June. I am actually feeling bittersweet about going back to army again; sweet because I get to see all my brothers in arms after a long time, bitter because I have to take on a responsibility that I'm not very keen on. I've always preferred being a section commander and leading a smaller group of people. Sort of like how I prefer quality over quantity, I believe that I can make a more significant impact and really connect with them on a personal level. Nevertheless, I will still do my utmost best for this new role I am appointed with.

This summer so far is just shitty because it feels like I am moving backwards for everything and nothing is going well. I guess the only good thing is that my internship is quite fun and manageable so far.  But I am looking forward to Sab's return, which will be on 20 June so I'll only get to see her once my reservist ends :( I am certain my life will take a U-turn towards happiness once she is back again :)

 

Dealing with loss

Writing this on my way to work. It's my 3rd day of work ever since I started and I have learnt a great deal about working in the public sector. Not so much about the work itself, but more on how the office environment is like. But more on that later.

Haven't climbed since last Tuesday when my last paper ended so this is day 10 without climbing. This is due to several events that happened recently. First it was my finger injury which caused me to take a break and to ice religiously everyday. The other more important event was my grandma's funeral which is what I'm gonna be writing most about.

On Sunday morning around 5.30am, my mum went down to check on my grandma and realised she was not breathing already. Her face was still warm though which meant that she passed on only minutes ago. Before this she was already in quite a bad state, having to gasp for air desperately and her chest would heave in great effort. Her appetite declined significantly and she was getting more and more delirious each day. So the night before, my family gave her morphine to ease her pain. At least she passed away peacefully in her sleep and she passed on at a ripe old age of 94 without any illness/disease that caused her death. She died naturally as her heart just got weaker as she grew older and she was diagnosed of heart failure as the cause of death, which honestly just meant old age.

At first my family didn't grief immediately, we went through the necessary procedures to arrange for her funeral and informed all our relatives. It wasn't until her body was sent back to us after embalming and in a coffin that it hit me that she was gone. When the coffin was sealed, my dad broke down in front of all of us. It was the rare times I saw him cry. In fact, I can't remember the last time I've seen him cry. It broke me too seeing my dad in this state of grief, despite providing the best care for his mother, he still felt he didn't do enough for her. But it was clear to everyone in my family that he really did the best he could. Most Singaporean children would have sent their parents to an old folks home by now, whereas my dad would patiently feed her ice cream every night and help her cut her food etc. So I couldn't help but cry too when I saw my dad like that. I thought that I wouldn't cry during the funeral because my family had already expected that she would leave us soon so we sort of accepted that it was only a matter of time.

The whole funeral went smoothly. Was very thankful that Sab's brother came to pay his respects too, it was on a day when I was quite pissed off with some relatives so it was a relief to talk to someone else that day. My grandma was cremated on Tuesday, and my family did a sea burial for her along with my grandfather's remains (who died 25 years ago so I never met him but I wish I did). The sea burial was interesting, never knew it'd be done that way. I hope that my grandma has found her peace at last. I admit I haven't been an outstanding grandson cause I didn't spend much time with her, but she has played an important role in my upbringing and my education in Chinese and for that I am eternally grateful.

Anyway work is starting soon. A few days of work and I have learnt that an office environment doesn't really suit me, I think I'd much prefer working in a chemical plant when everyday I am
challenged with new problems and I get to move about actively. I just can't sit still for long hours in this desk bound job. Regardless, I'll still do my best for this internship and make the most out of it by learning how a public sector job is like. Since my industrial attachment in the next academic year would probably be with a private oil and gas company, I think at the end of my studies I would then be able to make a justified comparison between an office and a technical career. Will I be pushing papers or pushing buttons? I'll soon find out.

Work has started already. Time to go.

Worst day of the year

Today was just such a horrible day. So much frustration and angst over everything and I just wish all this will be over soon. I just want everything to go well.

The Final Hurdle

Seems like my post are now monthly because I can't even find enough time to really take a breather and type out my thoughts. I'll make this a short one cause I really need to get enough sleep.

Last week of school and last training of this sem was over just like that. I have just planned out what work I am going to revise on for every single day up till the last day of my finals on 2 May. Feels as if I'm preparing for war. The next few days will be the final push towards the end of my 2nd year of uni. I don't know what grades I am going to get; I can only hope for the best and that all my effort would eventually pay off. What's more important is that I have gained sufficient knowledge in this course to prepare me sufficiently for a future career. 

Won't really have much of a break either after finals is over though, as I'm starting my internship on 8 May. Quite excited about this but quite sad too that it means I'll be missing out on important things with Sab when she's back and I get to spend less time with her too :( It also means I have to make do with climbing after work as well which would be quite shagged but I think it's the same as going to school and going for training after that anyway. I just need the discipline and commitment to improve. Pumpfest is coming up in June, and so is my very first ICT reservist coming up right after the competition. Honestly I'm not looking forward to the ICT that much because it is my first time actually leading after a long while and I am uncertain of what it's going to turn out to be like and of course there will always be this nagging doubt in my head that I am not capable enough. But I know that when the situation calls for it, I'll just have to step up and do my best. Hopefully all goes well for this ICT.

Also decided not to go to US for exchange next sem because I didn't get the uni I wanted, so I guess I'll be staying back in NUS once again, which may not be that bad considering that the boulder gym will be coming up soon next sem and I guess taking 5 chem eng core mods takes me to a new level of purist standards.

I think it's time for me to sleep, I'm really tired and I need the rest for the hurdles that I have to overcome for the next few days.

The fear of making mistakes

Today I was sitting alone at Engine studying for my upcoming midterms this Saturday. Suddenly, one of my course mates whom I am acquainted with approached me and asked me about an assignment that was due soon. While we were discussing about it, I realised that he did one of the questions different from the way I approached it. Apparently he used some method that was not exactly taught in lecture but was taught in tutorial. However, the way I perceived the question was quite different and we both tried to explain to each other our rationale, only for him to end up saying that quite a lot of people did his method and it was most likely correct. He asked me why didn't I ask other people/my friends about it and I just shrugged the question off. Well I was really thankful that there are people out there that bother to discuss questions with me because an intellectual discussion is always insightful; seeing how others think and their method of problem solving is quite interesting. But that's not the point of me writing this post. What really got me thinking was how much I feared to make mistakes. Hearing that his answer was most likely correct because of a majority rule, made me have my own doubts over my answer. But I read through my answer over and over again, even now as I'm typing this, and I am still more convinced by the way I approached it. I thought of changing my answer to his, it seemed so tempting. Then I stopped myself because I realised that I'm not really learning this way. I guess it is one of those scenarios where it seems like the whole world is going right but you choose to go left instead. It may seem like the wrong way to others but to me it's right. Anyway, this assignment is graded, and after much thought I decided that I'm just going to submit my original answer anyway. I know this whole post may seem trivial to you guys reading it, but it really got me thinking that so many of us are scared to make mistakes in uni. We constantly seek out the affirmation and assurance from our peers to validate that our answers are correct; or to follow the crowd so that we don't stick out like a sore thumb. From this considerably small and insignificant incident, I have learnt that I cannot be afraid to fail anymore. I have to learn to take risks. If I don't do well, it is only because I am just not smart enough. I would rather do badly knowing that it was my own genuine effort than do well because I just copy pasted everything that someone else wrote. Honestly, I wasn't convinced by the other answer because it just seemed too far fetched to me. Maybe that was the correct answer, I don't know, but eventually I will find out, and from this process I will truly learn. I have been chasing grades for far too long that I have lost sight of the true purpose of an education. Sadly to say, I see this in so many Singaporean students because we are all just aiming for the grades, I don't know how many of us actually care about what we study. I don't deny that I am guilty of this too. Today I've learnt to take a stance. I will no longer be overly obsessed with getting good grades, I will just do my best to enjoy the process of learning. With that process comes multiple failures and setbacks, but I think that is the best way for me to have the most worthwhile and fulfilling academic experience. Getting good grades will just be a bonus and not a goal. I hope this mindset of mine will stay strong for my remaining time here in NUS. It's been a long day.

Why do I still climb?

That's a question I've been asking myself a lot recently. Back then, my aim has always been to promote, to get on that podium, and possibly stand a chance to win. But now that I have attained that achievement, what do I look forward to from here? I don't really have a clear sense of direction as to how my climbing should be. From a practical point of view, I don't see the point of training extremely hard anymore. I know that I have to put in so much more effort and time into climbing if I even want to dream of making semis or even finals for Open. I know that I'm not that naturally talented; so I would definitely need to invest the time if I want to improve. But this time spent would be at the expense of my studies. It's really a dilemma standing at this crossroad between choosing competitive climbing and my academics. Realistically, training so hard will only give me personal satisfaction and not results, whereas studying harder would give me a higher chance of a better future/career. I feel like I really enjoy what I'm studying, but I just don't have enough time to fully explore further and expand my knowledge.   Anyway, entering into this new climbing category just seems so daunting to me. Yesterday one of the team seniors told me that his focus has no longer been about comps anymore, but about training hard to enjoy outdoor climbing in the future. That really made me question myself then: what am I climbing for now actually? I don't have a realistic goal in mind. I still enjoy climbing a lot, it'll always be a sport that I will love doing. But I don't know if it should take a backseat in my life for now; become more of a lifestyle/hobby rather than a competitive sport. It feels like the fire and psych for comps in me died a little.

I will still continue to train hard and do my best for comps. But this thought will always linger on, especially when I move on further in my studies. I don't know if I can commit that much anymore. I'll probably reevaluate my priorities once this sem is over. Maybe things will get better once this sem ends and I have more free time to climb.

A new phase of life

So Sab left last night for Tasmania to pursue her studies in medical school. While it is a bittersweet feeling for me, it is also a reminder for me that I have no excuses anymore. With one less commitment now, I only have climbing and my academics to focus on primarily.

I am really so motivated to do well this sem. I know I'm definitely not as smart as many other people out there but I know that if I invest the time and effort I will be able to succeed.

I am definitely sad that she has left but I am also happy for her and this is a new milestone in our relationship that we have to overcome together. At least it gives us time for our own personal development until all this is over.

5 years is a long time and I would be lying if I don't think it's daunting. But what I am confident in is that I have absolutely no doubts about this at all.

Today in lecture, our prof told us his own personal life story back when he was a Chem
Eng student in NUS. How he had to struggle to make ends meet. How he coped with his financial difficulties. How he did extremely well in the end. It was really inspiring to hear his story because it reminded me that it is only right to pursue our passions, which I dare say is something that Sab and I are at least striving towards.

Well now I'm otw to climb. That's definitely considered pursuing my passion. recess week has begun and it is time to chiong studies too.

Dead Blog Revival

Okay so it has been almost 2 months since I last blogged and I finally found the time to recollect all that has happened over this short span of 2 months (which felt really long actually).

Let's do this in a chronological order.

So at the end of November, I was busy preparing for finals. This was only made worse by the ongoing 1 month hiatus from climbing that I was going through to recover my elbow, so life was quite boring during that time. Can't really remember much that happened during the finals period either, all I can recall is that I remember all the Chem Eng mods being freaking hard that I doubted that I could even get half of the paper correct but it all paid off in the end I guess everyone died equally as well.

So after finals ended, I wasted no time in going right back to climbing, despite my elbows still feeling a little pain. I mentally prepared myself to eat dirt the moment I got back, and damn I really ate a lot of dirt. Started off with top roping first with Sab at CA on the first day. I can still remember how I felt a little weird holding tiles again even though it was only a 1 month break. It was an unnatural and irksome feeling that I couldn't wait to get rid of. Surprised myself on the first day back to climbing cause I managed to finish a 7A on top rope lol. But I don't think it was 7A la even though that's what it was graded. Well I climbed for 6 days non stop after finals and it was the most painful but worthwhile comeback I had to go through. And on every single one of those days, I did my old PT set of 100 push ups 100 crunches and 100 pull ups (okay on some days I actually did 50 50 50 cause I was damn tired). But anyway, this old regime helped to get my general fitness and pulling strength back again, and within a week I was back to climbing hard routes and building up skin for the Khon Kaen Rock Trip!

Celebrated my birthday too on the sixdecember2016. It was a simple day of going for training and enjoying myself in the company of my teammates and good routes. Sab gave me a special surprise gift too of an Evolv Chalk Bucket cause I am a die hard Evolv fan boy lol. And of course, she also gave me a really sweet card too :) Dave gave me TPI Chalk so that I would stop stealing his chalk every training. Jon gave me a roller massager which I still use sometimes to massage the nagging elbow pains after a sore day of climbing. Ken gave me giddy climbing balm which saved my skin in Khon Kaen. My family gave me a card too and a Hong Bao $$$

Next was the Khon Kaen Rock Trip that Sab and I organised for the team! At first I felt quite dejected because not many people could make it/not interested for this trip and I can't help but feel disappointed that things turned out this way in the team. It was also sad cause many people from my batch didn't go too. But anyway, I tried not to let it affect the planning process and I was really glad that those who went were really psyched for it and that they really enjoyed themselves. I think this trip was still one of the best rock trips I had so far despite the small turnout rate and me having to organise it. I was also very happy that I managed to send 3 V7s over there: Dragon Ant, Black Gate Variant and Bloody Fingers, as well as other classic routes that were V5-6 and the debatable V8 Happy Buddha LOL. I don't have that many photos of me climbing (videos mostly) so I'm just gonna post these photos.







So after coming back from KK, it was full on training for Gravical again. Oh yeah, forgot to mention too that we received our semester results while we were in KK lol. All I can say is I am satisfied with my results but I am definitely aiming to do even better this semester. Spent some time with Sab's family too during this in between Christmas and New Year period, and there was also a team Christmas party at Mun's house too. It was heartwarming to see the team gather together as a whole because that was something which rarely happens these days since both the guys and girls team train at different gyms which resulted in very little interaction/bonding. Turns out the santa and elf gift exchange was the same pairing which meant Leon was also my Santa lol. He gave me a stretchy finger thing and some sketchy liquorice sweet which honestly I don't dare to eat lol sorry Leon. I gave him a So ILL hand squeezer which I hope he will use it often!

New Year's Day was great because I spent it sleeping during the countdown lol. I don't understand why people would want to go out and get stuck in crowds and stay up so late. School was going to start soon which was a dread but at the same time I was also looking forward to studying some interesting but super hard Chem Eng Mods. But most of these days were spent climbing climbing climbing. My elbow was slowly getting better and my left elbow no longer hurts now but my right elbow still aches sometimes after a tired day of climbing.

I wasn't confident at all for Gravical which was the upcoming climbing competition and also the first of 2017. I only got back to climbing properly for only a month after a hiatus and so I thought it would take me very long to get back to good form again. I think this actually spurred me on even further to train more, climb better and to give my all every time I was on the wall, because I knew I lacked the time and so I had to make up for it by making every training a quality one.

Which brings me to my most recent life update, which is promoting to Open Men for Gravical just yesterday :) I took part in this competition without any expectations because I didn't feel as ready as compared to the previous competition Rockmaster in which I really felt that I stood a high chance of promoting. So I was just aiming to go in and have fun for Gravical, the results didn't matter at all. But when I saw the qualifier routes I realised some of them were actually my style, I thought that maybe I stood a chance to get into finals! So I just did the best I could and surprised myself by qualifying for finals. Then during the finals yesterday, I just did whatever mental preparation and hydration plan I did similar to the qualifiers and all went well in the end. I must admit, I felt more nervous and shaky during the finals than qualifiers because during the finals I already had some expectation on myself to podium which made me feel a little anxious. Expectations really does kill a person's performance sometimes. Fortunately, I kept my cool and composure (well most of the time) during the finals and I managed to clinch a 3rd place in the end on the podium :) I was really in disbelief when it all ended because it has always been my aim to make it to Opens for a long time and out of nowhere I just achieved that even though I felt that I wasn't mentally or physically ready for it yet. I am still quite amazed at how much of a comeback I have made over the past 2 months, and it only makes me want to strive on to see what I can achieve with even more time on my side. Here's a photo spam of Gravical:

I can keep talking about this recent achievement because it's so important and significant to me and there's so many people I am thankful for helping me reach this milestone in my climbing life. I'm just very happy with all that has happened and I consider myself to be really lucky. And to all the other Inter Men out there especially those in my team, you guys are all strong enough to promote, if I can do it then so can you guys too. It's not as impossible as we all think of it to be, it is definitely within our reach so fight hard to get it. Don't give up so easily, just keep trying and trying and get your mentality right and I am sure you will get it some day. There will be frustrating and disappointing moments but we can never let it affect us; always believe in your own strengths and be steady when you have to face your weaknesses. Okay I think that's enough paham for one paragraph.

Anyway it's back to the mundane and boring routine of school again. The post comp psych dies out really fast because of all the impending academic shit that I have to face. Apart from the team there's not many people I look forward to seeing when I go to school, other than a few from my course. It's kinda hard to make friends now that we are all in Year 2, everybody would prefer to stay in their own comfortable social circle and tolerate seeing the same old people every semester and have them disappear from your lives once the holidays arrive. I think my attitude towards friendships just won't survive in this university environment. I don't like to confine myself to just one clique but I like to befriend everyone but at the same time not be close to anyone in uni unless they are old friends from the past or people I really trust and are genuine to me. Talk is so cheap these days with fair weather hi bye friends that you have to force yourself to engage with because you don't want to seem unfriendly. Why can't people talk about more meaningful things? Are we all just subjected to talk about the same shit everyday? Don't get me wrong, I'm not anti social at all, I just find that making friends in uni is so damn hard. I think I only have myself to blame too for this, since I never took the effort to befriend anyone in my course since I have other commitments. Falling back on old friendships is the only way that I trust, because these are friends I know I will feel comfortable with. But it is sad to foresee that I will graduate like this. Without having known that many new people from this course. A part of me just wants to heck care and become a nomad but another part of me feels that this isn't really who I am or cut out to be. Oh well, I think uni life is also a phase of self discovery. Maybe my perspective towards friendships will slowly change after this then. But I guess friendships are also hard to come by in my course because everyone is just so busy and hectic, nobody has time to maintain or even establish friendships because it's just another commitment with not much returns. I also find it sad that I have disconnected with some of my old friends too throughout my 2+ years here in NUS, I wish I could fix these friendships and just go back to the way things were but it is also my fault for not committing to them and sometimes it is best to just learn to let go when people's priorities align differently from yours. I can go on and on lamenting about my woes on university friendships but I should stop before this makes me sad lol.

I spent almost an hour typing this and procrastinating from my tutorials, so I'm gonna end abruptly to get some shit done lol. I need to get the momentum going if not this semester would not go well for me.

I MISS CLIMBING

Finals are coming soon and I do feel quite unprepared for it even though i'm like studying 24/7. Maybe being in engineering just means you'll never feel prepared enough and it's a feeling i'll just have to get used to.

Anyway, Sab dragged me to see a TCM for my elbows recently and the TCM diagnosed that my elbows were misaligned (which is way more serious than I thought). So she had to help me realign it back which involved much pain but it was worth it because now I feel that my elbow is recovering properly and the little knobby bone has went back in to its normal position. I sort of regret not going earlier so I had more recovery time after realignment, but at least now it is fixed and hopefully it'll be okay by the time finals end. My elbows are still numb and achy from the treatment and my arms feel quite weak now but at least it is back in its proper condition. At first I thought it was just an inflammation/swelling/tendon problem but it turned out to be more serious. Well I'm just glad that I got it fixed and I really can't wait to climb again. My life has been quite boring without climbing and these few weeks without it has really showed me how mundane it can be. I also get really restless these days from studying so much, I think I really need climbing as an outlet.

Once I feel like my elbows are better, I plan to lead/top rope first before going back straight into bouldering. I also plan to redo the PT sets I used to do last year before I entered the team to build up my strength again. Hope it works lol. Not expecting much from Gravical but I'll just strive hard to get back again.

Shittiest week of the semester

It's been a long while since I've last updated here, sorry if you guys are getting tired of visiting my blog only to be disappointed with no new post. But here it is, a new post!

So this week was definitely the shittiest week of this semester and possibly the lowest point in my life this whole year :(

It all started with my decision to take an even longer break from climbing to rest both my elbows which are injured quite badly. I decided to take a month off, which meant I wouldn't be climbing at all until finals ended. This was an extremely painful decision to make; I couldn't take not climbing for 1 week already and 1 month would feel like an eternity. But I had to enforce it upon myself because I knew fully well that my body was not cooperating and it desperately needed a break. I just hope that when I get back, I would be able to embrace all the dirt eating, flappers and generally climbing like total shit. I think I'll probably start top roping and lead first once I recover.

But okay, beside the point, this week, which is Week 12 of the semester, was academically the hell week for me too because I had:

Tuesday: Marketing group meeting
Wednesday: Submission of a chem eng project (wasn't that bad)
Thursday: Marketing group presentation and submission of group report
Friday: life science mod quiz
Saturday: chem eng mod quiz and overseas exchange interview (this was all today lol)
Sunday: sports awards

I knew this week was gonna be very exhausting since I had to meet several deadlines and go to school every single day.

But it was made even better because on Tuesday morning when I woke up, I felt kinda shitty. Showered, went downstairs and was all ready to go to school when I felt my forehead burning up and I knew I was getting down with a fever. I thought that I could still go to school but as I tried leaving the house I gave up because I felt giddy and generally shitty. Unfortunately, I had to cancel on my group mates which I felt damn bad about because we were supposed to rehearse for the Thursday presentation.

Anyway, I thought this was just some passing fever, so I popped in a panadol and went to sleep again. When I woke up, holy shit I never felt so weak before ever. I had a bad headache, my whole body felt like it was boiling and my throat had a painful swell inside it. (probably my lymph nodes) I was quite afraid that it could be dengue or something serious. I took my temperature and it was close to 39.0. contemplated going to the hospital but decided not to, went to see a doctor instead and got antibiotics and painkillers. which tastes like shit. eating the pills was such a disaster cause they were quite big. usually I don't struggle much to swallow pills but somehow these pills gave me too much difficulty and it was damn bitter to tahan that there were a couple of times I almost puked.

So I thought I could recover by the next day but nope. I was even more sick on Wednesday and had no choice but to get Sab to help submit the chem eng project. Sab came over to my place after that to look after me for a while which was really nice of her. I was still having fever on and off. when it came on, it would shoot up to 38+ degrees which really sucks. My headache had not gone away; instead it chose to upgrade itself to a migraine that hurts even when I touch my own head. my throat just got worse and the medication felt pretty useless.

Thursday arrived and I knew I had no choice now but to go to sch no matter how sick I was. Took my temperature in the morning: 37.8. High but I probably won't die so okay then. Ventured out to school and I started sweating profusely which is such a great feeling when you have a fever for once I really love Singapore's weather. Went for lecture in the morning, decided to sit at the back cause I had to leave earlier to meet my marketing group mates first. Also cause I didn't want to spread my virus to Leon lol hope you are reading this nigga. Tried to leave early but in the end some of my groupmates were late so I didn't get a chance to rehearse but it was okay cause luckily I rehearsed on my own lol. Overall I was happy working with my groupmates who contributed sufficiently and all did there part. Survived the presentation which went well and submitted the report, went for chem eng tutorial to do some on the spot question which was graded, and the day was over. oh yeah, thursday was also the start of a diarrhea that never ends.

Friday. I was still sick as ever, but no choice need to take quiz sian. woke up at 6.15am to a piercing headache to get to school on time for the too damn early 8.15am quiz. it went okay, managed to do most of the questions. only know that I got a few mcq wrong so oh well. my diarrhea was getting worse too, had to shit many times in school sian.

Saturday (today). went for the chem eng thermodynamics quiz this morning. screwed up one structured question and only realised where i went wrong in the last 5 mins of the quiz, tried to change most of my workings but time was up and i screwed up I got rekted fml. throughout the whole paper my mind felt stuck cause of the constant pain from the headache. yes i am giving an excuse if I don't do well for this quiz. stoned for damn long, went for the overseas exchange interview which i think went relatively well, and now i'm back home. and guess what? I still feel sick zzz. My fever has subsided significantly, but the migraine has been present ever since tuesday and it is pissing me off. my throat still feels like there's two fishballs inside them. I like to eat fishballs all the way not halfway damn it. anyway because of my weak stomach and the diarrhea and just me being a wimp, I abstained from all the usual food I usually eat and had to eat soupy mushy food that made me sad. That really destroyed my appetite a lot.

generally this week sucks like hell. no climbing, feeling sick, screwed up a quiz, couldn't spend much quality time with Sab, didn't get to interact much with any friends (oh wait I don't have many friends in sch anw lol)

I just want to conclude by saying that, fuck this fever. Sorry for the vulgarity but I am really angry at my body for being so weak and an immune system that is worse than windows firewall. I just want to get better and get my normal life back.

2 weeks to finals. If I don't recover soon, I am really in for a tough time.

to better days ahead

Don't remember when I saw this photo before but I suddenly recalled it and I find it really motivational lol.

I can't solve a rubicks cube for nuts though.

Rockmaster is now over and sadly I didn't get to promote but it's okay. To say that I was close to promoting could be overstating it since I got 7th in the end (which is quite a shitty position) but I know for myself that I almost made it and it was quite evident to everyone as to how close I actually was. On the bright side, this just means that my goal of winning a gold medal is still a possibility and I'm going to train so hard to achieve that.

However, both my elbows have been giving me problems recently as now it really hurts a lot when I lock on fingerboards and even when I do push ups. The weird part is I can still climb without much pain. Maybe it's the adrenaline rush. I'm quite certain this elbow injury is serious because it has been damn long already and I'm scared it could be the bone or a ligament/tendon issue. Both my elbows feel busted and I'm worried that I can't make it last till the next competition in January.

Lagging behind on my studies as well which isn't good. I need to get back the drive and motivation in life for everything. The outlook of things may not be great but I have to stay optimistic that things can only get better.

Everybody loses themselves sometimes

Maybe it's the stress from all the studying. Or rather, it's the stress of feeling that I'm not studying enough. This recess week has been so unproductive because there's so much to do with so many events to attend. 

For the first time in many years, I am truly afraid. Afraid of failure. Afraid of letting myself down. Afraid of not being smart enough. Afraid. All of this doubt just kills my confidence and I hate it so much. And whenever I am stressed out I just end up not being myself anymore. I get short tempered. I get arrogant. I get irritated. I get frustrated. I become everything I shouldn't be. 

The solace I get from climbing is what keeps me away from all these worries. I wish I could handle so many things at once but I guess I'm just not capable enough. I don't know how best to salvage the rest of this week; I only know that I have to grit my teeth and bear through it all. 

Mentally drained

Recess week is finally here. For some, it's like a short breather for them from all the academics and a good time to go for a well deserved holiday. For others, it's the beginning of a much dreaded painful process of having to study like crazy for the upcoming midterm exams. Unfortunately I belong in the latter group, as I will always be for my entire university life. Not that I'm complaining about it, since I chose this path myself. 

It has been such a mentally draining 6 weeks of school that I can't believe it has only been only 6 weeks when it felt so long. It's only going to get worse which is really sian. I feel so mentally and emotionally drained right now. The monotony of studying every single moment I have free time is overwhelming. Am I really that weak minded, weak hearted? 

Today is just a bad day. A really bad day. 

Adaptability

I think I've finally adapted to the pace of everything going on in my life right now. Trying to stay ahead of everything especially my two core CN mods, but I feel like I'm neglecting the other three not so important mods lol.

Taking IPPT today after school. I'm not very confident of getting a guards gold but I'll just do my best. Been training for it the past one month and I keep getting just slightly below 90 points. Sigh. I feel like I'm just not cut out for running. Every time I run 2.4 I feel like I'm dying at the end and my heart rate goes so fast that I can hear it beating even at my eardrums and it scares me because I know my heart isn't normal :( just have to push myself today and hope for the best. I still don't understand why we are not paid $500 if we get the normal 85 points. I mean I can understand the logic of that as a NSF, but once you're an NSMen, most people's fitness just drop to shit. Why are we paid less than others just because of our vocation? Isn't it ironic that we are paid less than the other normal combat vocations when we are supposedly considered the elite unit that is required to do more than others? But I guess that's the whole point of it, we are the elite unit and that requires us to do even better without any additional incentive. Another way to put it is that we are the vocations that must suck thumb the most because we have a higher expectation to fulfill.

Anyway, climbing for me has been going well. I can feel myself improving slightly bit by bit again. But I think I should work more on my anti style, I can't just always be doing crimps all day. 

Burnout

Yesterday was such a terrible day for me because I was feeling so frustrated while studying. I've never felt that exhausted and my confidence so broken before; it as if I was experiencing a burnout. I don't know why this has happened to me emotionally but it's also affecting my climbing a lot and I hate this feeling so much. I'm just glad that through it all, Sab is there to listen to me and cheer me up. I don't know what I'll do without her. 

Maybe it's because I've set too high expectations on myself. But I've always been somewhat of an overachiever, so why is it that only now do I feel this way? Have I lost all of that motivation and resilience to get better in everything I do? I'm sorry that you all have to put up with me lamenting on my blog so much but I just need to vent out all of this stress that I'm feeling right now. 

Could it be that I'm sick of going to school? Apart from the friends that I really talk to I'm just getting tired of having to say hi and wave at acquaintances and play this stupid uni social game. To be honest, I'd rather just be ignored and left alone. I just wish everyone, including myself, would be more genuine. Everyone's trying to put up a happy front in school, that everything is okay, trying their best not to seem awkward in front of others and we slowly kill our real personality everyday. I miss the freedom of the summer break of just doing whatever I want, of being myself, and just climbing all day.

I really hope things will improve soon, especially for my climbing. I find solace in climbing and it helps me feel better emotionally. I'm sure that if my climbing gets better, then so will my ability in coping with my studies. 

Struggles and Doubts

The past few days have been pretty rough for me. After taking a one week break from climbing to recover my elbow and finger injury, I still feel a little off form every now and then during training and even on non-training days. I'm not sure why this is starting to happen to me but I can think of a few reasons other than my injury, because a few weeks ago I have been climbing consistently well and just bearing with my injury throughout. One of these reasons is that I'm waking up earlier these days compared to the summer holidays period when I can just get as much sleep as I want. Another reason is that I'm starting to feel the pressure of my academics as I am really confused and lost during lectures nowadays and the content I am studying for chem eng is just so freaking difficult to understand. It feels like once I thought I've understood the concepts from the lectures, I just get shot down by the insanely difficult tutorial questions and I can't do them without referring to solutions and this makes me really worried. I've never felt this stressed before for my academics because this is one of the few moments in my life that I just feel like I'm not intellectually capable enough to cope with this, and damn it, it really does worry me a lot. Maybe this bugging thoughts have been hindering my climbing the past few days. All of these doubts just lead to struggles on the wall, and all of these struggles on the wall just lead to more doubts of my climbing.

I absolutely hate feeling off form while climbing and I think all of these excuses I came up with are just signs of my weak mentality. Everyone else has school too and everyone else has their own problems to worry about. I have no excuse. I just have to get my thinking and mentality straight for climbing and my academics and I am sure everything will get better. I just have to believe in myself.

Maybe I'll start writing down what I did well and what I did badly and also include what are the areas for me to improve on for every route so that I am more aware of my mental state and try to understand why I choose to follow certain beta instead of others.

In the meantime, I really have to study so much harder this semester. It's only week 3 yet I'm already feeling the pressure. But I have to constantly remind myself that I am studying out of passion and the thirst for knowledge. If it isn't challenging, then there's no interest and fun in learning it anyway.