Damn it

There's no way anybody can take away climbing from me. Not even my own parents. Nobody is gonna take away the one thing that brightens up my life. Don't let me climb? Then I'm not gonna study. You might think that forcing me to stay at home and not go climbing will make me study. No. It's not gonna work that way. Without doing something I love, there's no way I'm motivated to work hard in my academics. So I ended up forcing myself to sleep the whole day. I even purposely missed tonight's reunion dinner. There's no way I'm going to let this pass. It's either you let me off from this shit or i die trying to break away from it.

Values

Saw some of the values one of my close friend has in his facebook info.

i really agree that with his values that for one to live a meaningful life:

1) always be honest

2) never say die

3) never rage

4) never emo

well not never, but should be as little as possible.

nevertheless, i really admire him that he follows this values closely; in fact i rarely see him rage or emo and he is always hardworking in everything he does. respect.

and i think thats something i can learn a lot from.

shall not blog so much. time to do econs project if not im screwed. hope i survive this week. its not gonna be easy, but SH2 was never supposed to be.

How do I give a title for this posts, if there's just too many things on my mind?

Today marks the day of my return to school after CNY.

Damn I wish CNY didn't end so fast, but i did enjoy myself and i did miss school a little.

Today's OAC was fun, we built most of the structure. despite the knots being not so tied, i think the members did a very good job and I am quite happy to see that our efforts in teaching them did pay off somehow. Also saw the OAC banner which i didnt get to paint cause I was sick last week. I think its really nice.

But what really bothered me today was the long talks with Miss G. and not just only one long talk. there were three long talks in just one day. other than vetting through my climbing annual plan, the one major thing that affected me a lot was the decision of cutting down climbing trainings to only once a week. which really shocked me.

after thinking it through, i realised how it all contradicts.

In order to start a new CCA Climbing, we need to do very well in competitions, so well that we should be winning achievements for the school. that means at least top 8 in bouldering comps which is insane. But how do we achieve that? By having rigorous training. But why can't we have that? Because we cannot have too many trainings per week as we already have OAC trainings.

sigh.

i really hope this year's batch of climbers would be extremely passionate. It is a waste that my batch's passion was never developed to its full potential. But I am damn willing to do anything, and i even considered some crazy plans ken suggested, just to push for this dream to be a reality.

damn it time to do work. im just feeling too damn sleepy now. feeling damn bad for missing lignum dance pracs. sigh. its too bad i cant feel happy anymore. it's just me, my life, my friends, my family and my responsibilities. no time for other shit.

Decision made

So after seeking advice from many people including Miss G,

I decided I will join H3.

It's a tough decision that comes with many challenges,

But maybe if I just push myself beyond my comfort zone,

Maybe, just maybe,

I can pull this off.

Anyway yesterday was quite a good day. Went to school with ken and it was a rush cause i caused him to be late for gm :( felt bad for that but i guess he is ok with it. Started the morning with pt but gave up after 3 rounds cause I started panting. Shouldn't have been so stupid and run right after I recovered. During assembly Mr Lee seemed to be quite concerned that I came back after 1 say when I got a 3 day MC. But honestly I think im fine. The lessons that day were pretty fine, other than econs which was sian cause I really dont like her and I wish I had mr Eli back. He is someone who can push me to get my A, not this woman who reads everything off the notes. But oh well, you lose some good teachers, and you gain some bad teachers. Similarly, you lose some bad teachers and you gain some good teachers. Also, you keep some good and bad teachers. After school I spent some time with my class revising the OGL dances and after that me and Zhi Yong went to 'borrow' some chairs from the hall and washed them clean for the boulder gym. Also thought of a new idea for Thursdays :P went for H3 after that. Surprisingly I sort of understood what was going on. Rushed down for climbing immediately after it ended and was glad to see filbert there. Hope the climbing team would expand even more :) we didn't do much today because my plan of starting the 4321 training scheme was delayed cause miss g forgot to take the key to open the cage to set up the high wall. I guess that's ok cause I dont mind starting off slack on the first training in school, and also cause we managed to tweak and set some new routes for OC, but training is gonna get tougher real soon :P
The day then ended with my whole family coming my house for reunion dinner. Although I was late, I was glad to see many of my cousins again. CNY has always been the happiest time of my year.
Ok anyway I gtg to meet ken now to go take mrt to school together. Shall end off abruptly here. Cant wait to invite my class to my house over later! Shall make a post about CNY later.

decisions

its so hard to balance commitments...

should i give up H3 Chem?

i feel that it is too much..

acads + OAC + climbing.

and a part of me wants to give up H3 cause of my responsibilities.

I dont want to be known as a senior who is always MIA on OAC Monday Trainings and MIA on Thursday Climbing Trainings..

Fuck.

If only i wasnt offered H3. then i wouldnt have to make a choice.

but tomorrow i have to make up my mind. will talk to Miss G about it and get some advice from her.

im not being pessimistic here, i am really serious when i think i would not be able to cope.

i dont want to end up getting a mere pass and not getting As cause i had to study for H3.

its like handling 3 CCAs all at once. i know i wont be able to take it.

some retard may say that i am foolish for giving up this opportunity, for setting my priorities wrongly.

but i dont care. its my life. i choose what i want and if i were to regret, it would be my own fault.

so unless i am convinced by miss g's advice tmr,

my mind is set.

i'm choosing my responsibilities over the school's fail attempt at trying to use me as a tool again to get them their academic glory.

_l_ you NJ Chem Dept.

I got the bronze for chem olympiad without any of your help.

and i am sick of not getting any help from some crap ass teacher that is going to teach me H3.

i'll feel really bad to jia ying though, its like im going to pang seh her.

damn. i wish i had 14 days a week. life is just too short, time is just too little.

JC Life is just too short to get into a relationship; to make new and long lasting friends; to develop oneself as a leader; to cope well academically; to be the master of time.

i remember how Samuel asked me how i manage my time so well.

I didn't know how to answer him.

I just did everything to the best of my ability.

But right now, H3 is something beyond me.

So would I be someone who people look up to and say "hey look, its the guy who helped develop climbing in NJ!" or "hey look, its the guy that got Distinction for H3 Chem!"

Because honestly, the latter is not something I would be very proud of. There are others in this country who can achieve that.

But being a great senior is something few can be.

AN UPDATE

havent posted for quite some time.

actually i wanted to post lots of stuff, just that whenever i type finish all of it, i decide to erase everything.

Its something like venting your anger out on something and then releasing your rage, and then once you're done you dont feel so angry anymore and so you just delete everything.

well im not angry now, so i dont think im going to be deleting everything once again.

a lot has happened as usual.

there was the mad homework holiday rush, which i am still rushing now,

then there was intensive climbing training,

which lead up to gravical,

which resulted in mixed feelings of satisfaction and disappointment,

but also rebounded with a strong sense of determination as always.

then came OGL camp,

the memories of OG days come back again,

except this time i play a different role,

but definitely a more enjoyable one.

dance practices after dance practices,

getting to know more people in my house,

and maybe, just maybe,

met the right people.

then school started,

it was life as usual,

same people different classroom,

still as fun as ever,

made me realise how much i really missed my class during the holidays,

and how i must really treasure this year.

also had mixed feelings towards the teachers this year,

but was happy to get Mr Lee back nonetheless.

then there was the JH Walk In

never felt so high before,

never discovered that dancing would be so fun.

and then came the preparation for OAC orientation camp,

and all the discussions about future climbing plans,

and all the crazy shit that just makes me laugh.

what does this new year hold for me?

i will soon find out.

Christmas

I really enjoyed myself today :)

went with Zi Wei, Ken and Xin Xian to go climb at CA this afternoon. met ken earlier to give him his DRAGON CLIMBER singlet as his birthday present and to eat lunch with him at subway.

today's climbing was great, Zi Wei is gaining more experience and is improving :D I hope he can get at least two bonuses for the upcoming Gravical! XX as usual looked down on herself but i think she climbs quite well, she just needs more confidence :)

talking about gravical, i'm quite worried for it. so far in my life, i havent completed any routes before in any climbing competitions, other than in carnivals. damn sian. but i know gravical will be my chance. i know this is my time to shine. i know i've made significant improvement ever since rockmaster. i just need to be at my top performance on the actual competition date and maybe even go into my rage mode. today i discovered that my climbing ability is partly fuelled by rage mainly due to inability to complete a route. im quite surprised myself :O hope this is a good thing.. also, i realised that the jc bouldering league counts in the top 2 girls in our team, and we have no girl climber in NJ, cause XX is unofficial. DAMN IT. really need to attract more girls into climbing next year if not NJ can say hello to last place again. AND THERES NO WAY I WANT TO BE LAST PLACE. I'LL GLADLY SPLIT MY FINGER SKIN WIDE OPEN IF I HAVE TO COVER UP THE FACT THAT WE HAVE NO GIRLS IN OUR TEAM.

i dont know what the hell am i typing but i really am pumped up for next year's competition. i want to have a good start next year. i want to push myself to overcome the next plateau.

also quite worried about the climbers now. hopefully they would come for more trainings next year since most of them are quite busy now. and also hope that the next CAO would do a much better job than me, to help everyone in the team to surpass their next plateau.

sigh. i really worry too much sometimes, so much so until i dont give a shit about other things. maybe thats why i just dont give a damn about relationships anymore. i think i grew out of it somehow, and finally realised that i have all my life to look for the perfect person and that i am still young. i'd rather skip the heartbreaks and all that shit when im young and just live happily as i am with all my friends.

lol lost my mood to blog anymore. going to go off and do maths now. SIAN.

bye for now.

CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB CLIMB

INSANE I AM INSANE

i think i am addicted to climbing again.

Leadership

Ok I think the title of this post says it all about what I'm gonna discuss about today.

Lately I've been looking around me, thinking to myself, what truly is leadership? I've met several people who I feel have a very wrong idea of what leadership truly is about.

First let me make something clear. I'm not saying I am a good leader. Everyone has their flaws whether or not they are leaders or not. I'm also not defining leadership. This is just my personal opinion.

I think it's really wrong to define leadership. Its something that each one of us can define ourselves. But of course there are some things that leaders should not do. One such thing is defining leadership. There is no one definition, one fixed and rigid way of leading.

I feel that leaders should be able to talk and act, not just do one of the two. Leaders should never look down on the most simple and mundane duties. A leader should be humble and know where he stands and empathize with his men. A leader plans and tries his best when it comes to executing his plan. It may not work out very well, there would always be screw ups, but so long as he doesn't give up and he has never pushed his responsibilities to others, he has done his duty as a leader. No matter what kind of shit happens, a leader must always stay strong and not give in to setbacks. A leader must not be arrogant and must always have humility towards his juniors.

It's ok for a leader to be weak in some areas, but he must at least excel in other areas. Leadership is not about getting rid of your flaws, it's about outshining them with your skills. A leader must always make smart decisions whether they be right or wrong and must always care for the welfare of his men.

This will probably be the last time I blog about leadership. It isn't something that should be talked about but I just feel like letting it out. I wonder if people even still read my blog though. I may be just talking to nobody lol. I read through all that I have just typed. Personally I haven't met these requirements for a leader that I just talked about. But I know I never will. accepting failure is the first step to strong leadership.

That was weird.

Wonder why I even blogged that.

Off to do my homework...

hmm

so time to update again before retarded bots start flooding my tagboard.

anyway a lot has happened for the past few days.

wonder if anybody still reads this shit.

the other day i was thinking of this really cool concept.

i realised that the world really is superficial. even i am superficial to some extent. its sad huh. judging people by their appearance. it drives us to attempt to achieve an impossible perfection, whether it be a slim figure or a buff body. whatever. society has brainwashed us so much that we even forget who we are ourselves and end up trying to be somebody else.

so i thought of a cool concept.

everyone in this world should just be blindfolded.

love looks not with the eyes but with the mind, therefore is winged cupid blind.

this way we wont judge people by their looks.

ugly guy/girl? its ok. i cant see your looks anyway, i'll judge you based on your character. the things you say, the actions you take etc. sometimes i wonder if these eyes, these very pair of eyes i have for 17 years, are they just showing me false images? have we all been seeing what we want to see?

at least in this screwed up society i still keep my sanity and i still maintain a close circle of friends.

i dont ever want to grow up and face the shit that would be thrown at me.

ok im going off topic again.

basically what happened for the past few days

my birthday

class chalet

overseas trip

climbing

OGL stuff

OAC stuff

other random shit

a simple list of what i do. but my life revolves around them, and if i have to live without them then...

I DONT WANT TO LIVE ON THIS PLANET ANYMORE

...

I got no idea why im still up and awake at this time. A lot has been on my mind.

Once again I question my existence. I question this whole purpose of jc life.

I can only regret. The ungrateful decision was made which really tears me apart. I think I'm quite selfish sometimes. But it's for the long term benefit. Sacrifices have to made no matter how painful they are.

Would I actually grow up a successful man but with no friends? If I do, honestly, I'd rather be poor but happy with living with the people around me.

And then there's the conduct grade. Idk how am I gonna get out of this one. Hopefully the school will be kind enough to understand how blur I was to misread the timetable and miss econs lecture. But if they want to drop my conduct grade again I guess there's nothing I can or would have the energy to do. My parents really think I screwed up my life with all the conduct grade shit.

I don't give a fuck.

Like I said. Conduct grades are meant to reflect how much the school thinks u confirm to its rules. To me, it's better to be keeping my morals and dignity rather than be a school dog.

My parents asked me to fake an MC out to explain to the teacher as to why I missed econs lecture. I decided not to. And in a way I was also disgusted. What happened to values like honesty? It's ironic if I lie about what I did and end up not getting a lowered conduct grade.

But ultimately i don't care what happens. Excellent, very good, good, poor, fair? Whatever. Even if it affects my future scholarship it's ok. At least I live with a clear conscience and I know I stick to the right morals.

Or have I?

Or am I just another bastard?

Been a long time since i had these thoughts. I can still remember how happy I was last year nearing my birthday. December 2010 was so great. I miss it so much that just the thought of it makes me regret a lot.

I hope you're doing well wherever you may be, whatever you may do, even though now I may just very well be a forgotten memory.