Another sleepless night and I'm still staring at the ceiling

Can't seem to fall asleep again. It's always like this on book in day zzz. Went to climb today, it was nice seeing everyone again. Like a mini reunion of people from all the different batches of climbers. Didn't climb too well today because my mood was pretty killed off. But at least I got to talk cock with the rest of the climbers and catch up on old times.

Well from the way I see things now, there's only two paths for me to choose. 

Fight for my men or give up completely. 

The latter seems so tempting after so much shit has happened in this battalion. How can I still stay on being motivated and to do my best in everything? The only reason I can think of is for the guys that look up to me as their leader. But if some day they were to break the trust I have in them, I would definitely give up. My motivation right now is hanging on a thin thread and I don't know how much longer I can hold on. 

I just want to get this shit done properly and get it over with. Then I can finally enjoy my well deserved 7 months break after I ORD by getting my life back through climbing, going overseas, climbing, going overseas climbing, etc.

:/

I feel so fucking lonely in camp sometimes even though I'm surrounded by so many people. Maybe I'm just sad that I have no one to talk to at the end of everyday. Yeah sure, I do talk to many people in camp, but there's absolutely no one I can talk to that's outside of camp. It's as if my whole life revolves around serving the army now (and it really feels like it) and I'm disconnected from the outside world. I've had this feeling for really long especially at dead nights like this. But I guess there's nothing common I can talk about with people outside of my camp life since most of my life is just about army now. And that's really so depressing. I feel like I'm stripped of my humanity of talking to others. Sigh. I just need a friend that would listen and remind me that I still have a life out of this place. 

Fuck I need to get some sleep. Training has been quite tiring these days but it's a good time for me to build up my physical fitness. 

How do I start?

Where do I begin?

I have so much to say I don't know how do I start?

I just came back from Melbourne during the block leave with my fellow guardsmen friends. I enjoyed myself a lot over there but I don't really want to talk about it because there are other more serious issues on my mind now. I know I haven't been blogging that often too because I've been posting updates mostly on other social media. 

Well GAIT has ended for my guys, I'm really proud of them for having become elite guardsmen. No amount of words can describe the feeling of pride and joy I had seeing them graduate on the Victory Square, donning the coveted khaki beret and guards tab just as I had months ago. I'm also glad that I managed to lead them throughout this phase of their training as their section commander, it was definitely not easy for them and it also wasn't easy for me, but we pulled through together as a section and I learnt a lot about the ups and downs of my leadership capabilities. However, this is only the beginning for them as a guardsmen, there's still many phases for them to go through, many phases for me to lead them through till I ORD in 6 months time. Honestly, I think I'll feel really sad on the day I ORD. I'm gonna miss these guys because they're one of the few reasons I still have the motivation to serve NS and do my best. Day by day I see other section commanders dying out and losing motivation. Chao Keng-ing. Siam-ing duties. Raging at others. Complaining and whining. Simply not giving a fuck about everything. And so much more. I don't know if it's just their own mental stress or just how this battalion is sibei guailan, but I hope I won't end up this way. My guys look up to me for guidance and I'll never want to let them down. 

Some say I'm just too siao on and wonder why the fuck do I still have motivation to serve. Sometimes I question myself about that too. Sometimes I don't get an answer. Sometimes I even doubt myself. But I strongly believe since I chose this path as a sergeant; as a commander, I can make a difference in the NS experience of my men. Most people complain a lot about their NS and hate it, but maybe if I just put in all my effort to change my men's perspective and motivate them to serve, then I think this country is worth fighting for. 

I ORD in 6 months time. My time in army is almost coming to an end and it has been quite a meaningful and worthwhile journey. Throughout this entire experience, there are many people that have made a big difference in my life, but maybe I'll talk more about it when the time has finally come for me to wear that no.1 uniform and other exciting ORD events :)

Right now it's time to build up my physical fitness again. Which means I'll have to be more disciplined in my own personal training. No time to focus on anything else I guess. I'll have to keep myself occupied so I won't think too much.