Comeback

Was packing my drawer and discovered last year's progress report. One was for my common tests, one was for my promos. I looked for the one I got this year for my CTs. Seems as though I dropped quite a fair bit from last year for most subjects. But worst of all, I had my first underlined grade this year. Econs. Can't believe I did that well last year as I stared blankly at the difference in my percentile.

I won't blame my teacher entirely for this because I chose this path myself and it is my responsibility. But it goes to show how dependent I am on good teachers, which I really hate about myself because no one is gonna care about me in the future but myself. I just have to try and change it after A levels are over. After all, I have two years. Two years which I hope will be worthwhile :)

Sadly, Singapore really does treasure those who excel academically only. I think Singapore's education system lacks sufficient opportunities for singaporeans to excel holistically, be it sports or performing arts. Too little recognition is given to those who do well in those areas; whereas the ones that get the glory are those who do well academically or won some prestigious academic award for their country. That's fine and it's something to be proud of. Maybe because singaporeans aren't excellent in any other thing except academics, which isn't really a bad thing. But it just makes me question whether this really is holistic education.

Aside from that, I have decided to go all out for econs... Hopefully I am able to learn independently next time and not be too reliant on teachers anymore. This is my last chance to make a change for my econs grade, to prove to my teacher that I'm not a hopeless cause...

Oh yeah, while packing my drawer, also read some of the past cards that I received in sec sch and in jc. It was heartwarming and motivating to read them again... Pasted the remaining photos on my wall. It looks really nice now, depicting my growth from a baby to an 18 year old teenager, and all the different experiences I had.

Gonna have econs tuition at 8pm later. Last econs tuition before prelims on Thursday. Gonna make it count. Gp on Wednesday too. Hope I can surpass the 35 barrier that has been holding me back for too long. This prelims. Not gonna waste it. Not gonna screw up. I'm gonna give all I got!

the end is near

Prelim is nearing. A levels is nearing. So is the end of my two years in NJ.

Time passes really fast. I can still remember the second day of school in NJ. It was orientation. Somehow I came late for school cause I didn't expect bukit timah road to be that jammed and I took bus. The most epic thing was that when i reached school, it was empty. First day of school we assembled in the hall. Second day of school we were told to go to the parade square. I had no idea where the parade square was. So I was late. I didn't see anyone else around. I called my OGL using my phone. She told me to hurry because assembly was starting soon, and told me the parade square was near the atrium and carpark and hung up quickly. I ran around frantically and saw this signboard at the centre garden of NJ. It told me to go right to go to the Atrium.

I ran to the atrium, and the moment I reached the national anthem started playing. I saw so many teachers in front of me. In my mind I was cursing at myself. One of the teachers, who is a maths teacher and a rather strict one that scolded me before for running in the same place much later on in my JC life (no prizes for guessing who he is) stopped me and told me to put my bag down. I did as I was told. After the Maktab guy gave the command after the pledge, the teacher asked me:
"you are SH1?"

"huh... You mean JC1?"

"same thing lah. How come you are here?"

"I came late and I didn't know where the parade square was. Sorry.."

"you know where is your OG?"

"yeah I think I know where they are"

"ok good. Don't be late next time. Whole school can see you from here."

I thanked him and ran down to my og feeling kinda embarrassed.

Little did I know that some day I will be the one standing at the podium, with the whole school watching me.

Nostalgia...

?

Slept early last night. Was feeling quite tired so decided to give myself a break from all the work for a little while. Just to fall asleep and not give a damn about everything. Everything. But woke up, and it's now back to reality.

I thought about life after A levels. Can't wait to climb like siao, prepare for NS, and other worthwhile things :)

But then I asked myself, would I still come back to NJ? I most certainly would. I actually do like my experience here no matter how screwed up the school has been. But am I going to return to nothing? I thought about the first place I will run to once I step through the school gate. Definitely the boulder gym first. But what if it's gone by then? What if there's no more team? What if every dream, every aspiration is just gone to waste? There was once MG said that there is a beginning and end to everything, but something that's just beginning, had to be put down so quickly, stifled by the ironic aim of "holistic" education. I know this is inevitable, but it is a saddening matter..

Imagine you have a favourite childhood place, or to give an even better analogy, imagine if you grew up during your childhood in a house. One day the government decides to tear down your house because they think that it's better to build something else there for the benefit of the whole of society. But what about your family? Your whole family is forced to move out, and have nowhere else to stay. When you grew up, you returned to the same place where your house used to be. All you see is something else. Everything was gone.

It's no different from what's going to happen soon... I can only pray that some day there will be a new boulder gym built. I just hope that NJ will give a damn about student welfare. But if they were to demolish it, I think I won't be going back to NJ anymore. Take away the most important thing that made me happy in NJ, then to me, NJ's just left with only bleak memories. It's like going home without any furniture, without any family members: just empty. Emptiness. And if it happens next year, will I still be able to fulfill my promise to the juniors? Or have I just put all of them in a dead end. I cannot hope more for a source of light at the end of the tunnel...

I shall keep this off my mind for now, because I have to worry about my A levels first as usual.. But I don't know how I will take it if we are lied to and not given a new facility. And now as I look at the sheet of paper asking for a donation for the school, I wonder if this funding will in the end go to the demolition costs, the school thinking that it's for a better future of the juniors. But what do they know? They know nothing of the motivation it gives to us. They know nothing of fun, joy, friendship, growth and development. And I have half a mind to tear this sheet of paper in half. If I'm gonna make a contribution, I'm gonna make a direct one... One that they will never forget.

Tiring day

Just the usual lessons today. Same old same old. Struggling to meet deadlines. Always feeling lethargic. Waking up in the morning and just thinking to myself that maybe if school just started at 9am everyday, we will be able to do more work cause we get more rest. Because honestly I have come to a point where I come and leave school with the same knowledge. I come to school just to get assignments, to complete tests, to copy down notes. When I could be revising at home which is more productive. But more importantly, I come to school because the days I have left to spend with friends in school are numbered, and I have to treasure everyday.

Wrote two out of three of my SGC paragraphs today. Still not sure what to write for the last one. CIP OGL Chem Rep or Chem Olympiad? Or maybe even HA if i'm retarded enough LOL! Shall think about it in my free time.. Anyway, I really think that 80 words is not enough to describe both my OAC and Climbing experiences. In fact, I think no words can express these experiences. They are just too unique and special to me. Mere words cannot let one comprehend how much it has been a significant part of my JC life.

But I think that what ever is written on paper will not be as important as how I present myself for future interviews..

Ended econs tuition half an hour ago and got some rest before blogging.

Don't know what homework to start on cause there's just too much. Econs essays. Physics paper. GP essays. H3 prelim paper.

And here I am blogging.

Shall not do any of the above and study my econs and revise a bit of my GP reading materials instead. Just too damn tired from actively engaging my mind for the whole day.

And then in the end I will just ask myself, was all of this worth it? I hope that it will be...

Friends in NJ

Just took a short break from my econs tuition homework to read a blog of one of my friends in NJ.

Reading the posts really got me thinking about the friendships I made in NJ. They are different from those friendships I made in the past, at least that's how I feel. But I can't really be certain sometimes, because people come and go in your lives way too quickly. But I'm quite confident that there are friends made in NJ that I will definitely treasure.

I won't say that I'm very close to this friend. It's quite funny yet nice to see how life just falls into place. This friend of mine tolerated a lot of my nonsense and shenanigans, especially last year. In fact, this friend was one of the first few friends I made in NJ, who helped me through the struggles I faced in my work.

But through the tough times and good times we have been through last year, I think I really respect this friend of mine: in both academics and personal qualities.

I think some day after I graduate, I shall dedicate an extremely long post to everyone whom I met in NJ that has made a significant impact on my JC life in some way or another.

As I look back at my experience in NJ, I honestly don't hate NJ anymore. Maybe the hatred stemmed from the very moment that I heard they were taking something away from me which I held so dearly. But things turned out better than expected and it is here that I discovered a new passion and made new friends. NJ has changed me somehow, but I don't know how it did. Maybe I will fully appreciate and understand this change in the future. I think it could be seeing how screwed society is through seeing how screwed up people in this school are like, and learning from this and moving on with life. Maybe such a screwed up school system will have the reverse effect of making me want to stand for change and do something worthwhile. Maybe good leaders emerge from bad times...

I think I have taken a long enough break. It's back to work again. I need to find greater motivation these days and not risk getting burned out.

And seeing how people are starting to become insane, even myself to some extent, I start to wonder: maybe the insane ones are those who think others are insane, because they forgot how to just be themselves, they just conform to what is expected of them...

Over and over again

Spent the past two days just spamming homework. Yet I'm still not done with all of it. Still left my econs tuition 2 case studies and 1 essay due TOMORROW and chem reaction kinetics tutorial and planning which is the first lesson TODAY. There's just so much to do, and for once I really feel pressed for time despite not procrastinating at all for the past two days. It seems as though my life just revolves around homework nowadays, but I know I'll have to bear with it. Prelims is nearing but I don't really feel prepared for it. But I'll have to give it my all since it's the last chance I'll get to see my standard before the 'A's.

On my way to school now. Nowadays when I look around at the people in my cohort, I can see the high levels of stress in their behaviour... I think JC2 life really is stressful, so much so that some people border on insanity. Sometimes even I question my sanity, but I know I am not insane (or in denial)

May this 3 months phase pass smoothly. I can still rmb for O levels, I did my homework and revised early. During O levels itself I didn't even study at all. I hope this will be the same for A levels. I want to be prepared for it such that I won't be so worked up as to study before the actual paper itself. And also to practice through revision sufficient enough such that even if I'm off form on the day of the exam, I'll still be able to clinch a decent grade.

I think I talked enough about acads alr haha. Anyway life is quite good now, at least I'm more productive and I have the end goal in mind. I hope things will go well in the end :) I don't care about being the top, being the best, I just want to get grades that reflect my aptitude for the respective subjects. I feel that the more we pursue the dream of being the best in the class/level or strive to get an award, the more we lose our humility. We must always recognize that there will be people better than you. So just let things occur naturally, if you're one of the best than so be it, if you're not, that doesn't mean you still can't get an A grade. Being the best is just an added bonus, at the end of the day what really matters most is the kind of person you become.

I rmb there was once Buffy told me last year that he didn't like arrogant people. Well I must admit sometimes I may be quite arrogant without realizing it, but I avoid try and avoid being arrogant. Like what Buffy said, there's no need to show off your skills to others, it's better to just know for yourself how capable you really are.

I think I have crapped long enough.

And why the hell do I remember all the random stuff that other people say but I can't seem to memorize drug chem for H3?!?!

Until next time :)

national day

so yesterday was national day. spent the whole day at CA climbing. lead climb with jups, got my L2 cert, lunch with my batch mates and jups, bouldered with the juniors and MG, top rope with some of my batch mates, then dinner with a few of my juniors. it was a fun day and a well spent holiday for me. it was also probably the last time I would slip on my pair of shamans till after A levels.

gonna spend the next few days clearing up my homework pile and finally start on revision if possible.

I remember a few days ago, Mr E walked passed me in the canteen, and he said, "Botak, heard you're not doing very well?" in a concerned voice. I assumed he was referring to my academics, so I replied, "Yeah I know Mr E, but I'm working hard to change that!"

That was the end of our short exchange of words, but it stayed on in my mind for the entire week. I miss having a dedicated teacher like him. Even though he may appear to be harsh to students, he still cares about and looks out for them. I was not his student anymore but he still looked out for me. It just goes to show.. but I shall not comment further, because enough has been said about econs this year, and there's nothing I can do but suck it up and carry on.

Day of days

Yesterday was OAC Investiture, and I do feel quite sad that this has come to an end. But I'll be back. I definitely will be :) Overall, I had a fun time cause of the crazy shit and the gift exchanges. Joel was feeling very sentimental yesterday; I couldn't help but feel the same. But I am glad that those who received gifts from me appreciated it, and I am also glad that the gifts I received were really nice :)

It was a pleasant and warm hearted ending to my term in OAC and Climbing, both of which are experiences I will treasure forever.

Something that I could never forget yesterday was what Deepak said to me in the store. It was really touching to know that to the climbers, I was like their Captain despite having the role of a CAO :')

Looking forward to overseas trip at the end of the year, grad night, L2 next week, setting routes for the juniors on Monday and so much more!!

Shall start doing the impossible GP homework now, until next time..

Poem of a Teacher

Sometimes I wonder, what will life be like if I took eng lit instead of econs. If only the school let me have such a combi. But I just have to live with it for another few months and it'll all be over. Not that I hate econs. I grew to hate it. It really does make me realize that my interest is greatly sparked by my teachers, hence this explains my mediocre econs results.

And so out of the blue, I started writing a poem during econs lesson today while she was writing her usual stuff on the board. I used to enjoy writing poems last time, but somehow that passion died when I came to NJ since I didn't take lit anymore. So here's the poem I wrote:

A teacher is more than just a job,
Inspiration, attention and valued thoughts.

What sets one apart from the rest,
Is one that explains everything with zest.

What was once a student should have empathy,
To nurture young minds and let them see.

A righteous duty they chose to serve,
With pride and undying dignity.

But this, it should never be,
A teacher that brings misery.

When the future seems bleak,
And lessons are weak,
Will they ever survive,
With this kind of life?

Is there true learning?
Is there any meaning?

All that we learn,
All that we yearn,

Destroyed in a monotonous drone.

END

Heh this was not a very well written poem since I'm quite rusty alr, wish I had the same level of inspiration I had last time in sec 4. The subject I could express my emotions freely. I miss taking lit.. But it's too late to regret now. Because at least now I draw my interest in econs from someone else who can help me excel...