the death of everything

feels like i'm losing my friends one by one, but all I can do is just watch the friendships fade away. But at least that's a way to tell who are the true and real friends around me. Those that understand my absence and appreciate my presence. It's scary to see how easily you can disappear from people's life, as if all the past memories never mattered at all. It sort of reminds me of what death is like. Sure, everyone mourns initially, but within weeks, most just get back to their normal routine lives, as if the person's death was nothing more than a mere speck of dust in a wind of change. It all boils down to who considers you more significant than just a speck of dust. Sometimes I feel guilty for not being a good friend. But I'd rather be myself that to force myself to sustain a friendship. A friendship should not require any effort at all in my opinion, it just requires a mutual understanding and trust which can withstand the test of time. too bad this is not something you can find everyone, some friendships will just have to die eventually.

saturation point

Okay I can't believe it has been more than 5 months since I last posted. As usual, so much has happened that I don't know where to begin. I'll try my best to recall everything that has happened since August last year.

August: the start of y3s1, new freshies joining the climbing team, sent some friends off on exchange. can't really rmb much about this month lol.

September: got rekted at Rockmaster :(

October: grand opening of our school wall!

November: Sab came back to sg :) studied like siao for finals too

December: went to Hampi for team roctrip and also made a small trip to visit Taj Mahal. Can't believe I visited one of the wonders of the world. Climbing there was really fun, sent many nice routes which was really satisfying. Unfortunately, I injured my wrist on the last day of climbing in Hampi on a V9 route which still haunts me up till today because I still haven't recovered yet zzzz

January: a bad start to the year because I couldn't climb at all. Also the start of y3s2 too, my IA internship semester. Currently working at EM as a Process Engineering Intern, so far it's been alright. I'm also taking 2 evening mods (1 paham biz mod to clear my minor and 1 chem eng 5k godlike overkill mod). Also decided to stay in UTR this sem because of the night classes and school is much nearer to Jurong. 

Now: It's week 4 of work and week 3 of school and I'm feeling quite saturated, which is really worrying since I haven't been climbing and going for training due to my injury. but somehow I feel that I'd be more productive if I can climb. Apart from climbing, I can only look forward to spending time with Sab, which I know is only a short lived luxury since I'm busy with school and work and she's going back soon in Feb :( Life really sucks without climbing and it pains me to just watch those around me climb so freely. But I know I have to stay disciplined and grit my teeth through this period of recovery, and just believe that eventually I'll get back again, even though I don't know how long that will actually take. I'm hoping that by mid Feb this wrist will recover after all the measures I've taken and the advice I've heeded from others. As I haven't climbed in so long, I'm also at my heaviest ever of 55-56kg, a weight which I have never reached before lol. No wonder my one arm hangs are a struggle now. If there's one takeaway from this sem, I think it'll be that I can't do everything. Sometimes I hate myself for giving excuses of having no time to do this and that. I always thought of myself to be quite good at managing my time. Work essentially takes up 12 hours of my life each day, from waking up at 6am all the way to the point I get back to school at 6. That only leaves me with 6-7 hours a day, assuming I sleep at 12-1am. And that's just on a day I don't have night classes, on those days another 3 hours are burnt off and that leaves me with a pathetic 3-4 hours. And that's just excluding climbing training. I hate to say it, but this sem is going to kill me and I think the only way I can survive is to be extremely productive on weekends too. but deep down I know that this lack of time just means that some priorities have to take a back seat.