Where are you? And I'm so sorry. I cannot sleep, I cannot dream tonight.

Every night makes the day feel so much longer, as I stay awake pondering over random thoughts. It's as if my life is at a standstill now, yet it progresses on monotonously because I have no emotion to feel any more. Everything feels so robotic, mechanical and scheduled. It's like I sold my soul away to the green uniform, and it's the only life I can live with. I'm having really troubled thoughts these days, of not wanting to go home because I have nothing to do anyway, nothing to look forward to, no one to turn to. If only I could be completely self sufficient in camp, because honestly being dependent on going home for me to continue functioning in camp is the only reason why I bother going home anyway. Is it weird that I think this way? That I can escape the emptiness I face by confining myself as an excuse? Maybe guard duty isn't making me think straight again. Maybe the medication has screwed with my mind again. Or maybe both are happening, again. 

I'm not who I used to be, someone please help me get myself back..

One year.

It has been exactly a year since I enlisted. In this 1 year I have changed so much because of army. 

I don't really know what to say or what to feel now that I'm a one year soldier. I hope that the final 10 months will be smooth sailing and that I can earn the respect and trust of my men. 

Looking back, I have gone through some serious shit in this 1 year: expeiences that I will never forget for a lifetime. 

From going through bmt and realizing that I want to be a sergeant, to training in SCS and getting quite demoralized about being posted to infantry for pro term, to going through tough training in the infamous SCS company Lima which has moulded me into a better soldier and leader, to feeling pride as a specialist when receiving my chevrons and achieving a silver bayonet, to feeling motivated when I got posted to guards, and most of all managing to complete GCC and become a guardsman, and finally to taking charge of a platoon of soldiers right now. 

All of this wouldn't have been possible without the people in my life. My family, for being ever supportive of whatever I do and being patient with me when I sometimes flare up; My friends, for making weekends more fulfilling and enjoyable simply by spending time with them, my army buddies, for making army life more interesting, and to someone special, who helped me get through GCC, one of the shittiest and toughest course I had to go through which I thought I would never be able to make it. Talking to you every night during those torturing days made it more bearable and motivated me to carry on as each day got worse and worse. Things will never be the same now, but I'm still grateful for everything. I still miss those times; I wouldn't mind going through 10 GCCs if I could just relive those moments. But nothing lasts forever and it's time I moved on and start life anew. I don't know if you'll still read this, but thanks for being a big part of my life. 

In this 1 year, I also had to cope with juggling my own life and an army life. While I sometimes try to blame it on army, I know deep down it's really my own fault for causing myself to end up this way. The days may be filled with misery and sadness but I'll try and stay strong throughout. In this one year, I've been broken so many times that I think nothing can really break me any further. 

Don't really want to say much any more, I'll stop here and get some sleep. A year ago, I was nervous and didn't know what to expect. Now I feel the same way about when I ORD.

It should be

It should be climbing shoes,

not muddy boots. 

It should be harness, 

not body armour.

It should be chalk, 

not body powder.

It should be,

and it will be. 

The best day of CNY

Today was definitely a happy and fun day:) met up with some of the climbers for lunch and went to climb at onsight. Bouldered a bit first then went to do top rope climbing. I think when I ORD or maybe even by my next pay I'll go buy a good harness since it's better to build up my climbing endurance first since I've lost all my strength. But most likely I'll be without a belay partner for the first month when I ORD, unless the only other climber who ORDs along with me is interested to commit as much as me to training in climbing. Met up with more of them during dinner and then we went to one of the climbers' house to gamble haha. 

Overall it was a fun day, probably my best day during this CNY holiday because it was spent with people I don't have to put on a false front with; good company that I can really feel like I'm myself again. 

Don't know how to spend the next two days of off, but I bet I'm gonna dread the booking in on tues:( as they say, the longer the book out, the more reluctant the book in. But this taste of ORD life has really got me hooked and I can't wait to ORD. THERE'S NO WAY IN HELL IMMA EXTEND 6 MORE MONTHS CAUSE FREEDOM IS WORTH MORE THAN MONEY

feeling pretty tired now and my arms are aching but today was definitely satisfying and fulfilling :D

I'm confident that my life will be for the better once I'm done with army:) I can finally make some progress in life, no more restrictions and no more excuses. 

Today as I reflect upon my past, and I think about the future that lies ahead, I painted a dream life I want in my mind, and from now till then I'll work towards it. I know for sure it won't be perfect, but at least I have something to work towards to :D