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Went back to NJ today to see the current climbing team. Being back at the familiar boulder gym and rock wall felt really great. It's like going back to a childhood playground that you used to play a lot in when you were younger; though you are older now and the playground may have changed, the sentimental value of the playground and your attachment to it can never go away. The boulder gym and rock wall was like the place I grew up in during my JC days, I grew stronger physically and mentally in there and at the same time became a more mature person, even though I did lots of childish stuff inside too. 

It's also nice to see how much the team has grown. Though they are mostly new faces to me, the laughter and joy that they had reminded me so much of the fun times I used to have back then, when I looked forward to every climbing training. I guess every batch/team has their own problems, I won't compare them to my batch because every batch is different. I am proud of every single one of them for coming this far and making progress for the team. With every batch, the team should only get stronger and stronger. Sometimes I feel kinda sad that I never really got to know these climbers, for many of them know about me yet they've never met me. I wish they could have met the old me when I was at my peak in climbing and hear about all the ambitions and dreams I envisioned for the team back then. Those were the good old days I'd never forget :) it is a pity that I enlisted so early, but maybe some day when I'm done with this national service, my path will cross with theirs again.

I'm back.

Field camp was not bad. It didn't feel as long as I thought it was, and I had my fair share of fun. I think it was also a fulfilling and fruitful experience for the men too. 

Now there's not much left standing between them and their POP.

I'm kinda worried about what army life will transit to be like after their POP, when their GAIT starts. My platoon will be losing a PC, a PS, and two sect comds. Which means I'm the first in command by then but I'll also have to manage my own section. It's going to be a tough period for me, perhaps even more challenging than my GCC when I was a trainee. Being a commander has a different level of tiredness. Sometimes I don't know whether I really enjoy this or not. It seems like my army life just keeps getting tougher and tougher, and my personal life/lack of it is just making it even worse. Am I naive, or just too committed to always doing my best? It's hard to distinguish between both. When I see others enjoying their life outside, while I'm still stuck in my two years of service with an unsecured future, and a life that's getting more miserable because there's no one to confide in any more. I feel like an empty shell these days :( and my fellow sergeants are getting lazier and lazier. I guess after some time we all just get disillusioned with the system and slack off. Honestly there's nothing that can really motivated us to go the extra mile, I don't know why I'm still stupid enough to still go on instead of slack off like most of the rest. Why is it that I just can't bring myself to just give up? Just give up on everything...

Out to the field

Going for a 6 days 5 nights outfield from Tuesday to Sunday in tekong. Not gonna bring my phone so I won't be contactable at all the whole time. Not like there's much to contact me about anyway. I'm kinda glad I get to be away from my phone because nowadays it's just the annoying daily instructions from army chats. I used to look forward to using my phone in army, it was like a lifeline for me to the outside world, a source of motivation when a simple talk would ease off all the ache from the day's training. But those times are long over and I shouldn't expect anything any more. 

I'm 60% done with army. Damn time is going way too slow. I just wish it would go faster cause I really can't wait to ORD. 

Feeling sleepy...

Splashes of sunlight

Lying in an open field early in the morning, without a care in the world. With my helmet as a pillow, and my rifle on my shoulder. Sometimes you wish life could be just like that, watching the world go by along with the shifting clouds, oblivious to your presence. Knowing that time is passing yet you have nothing to worry about. 

Emotionless.

Being an APS (Assistant Platoon Sergeant) is really hard... Having to do both the role of a section commander as well as the sai kang of a platoon sergeant, without the privileges of a platoon sergeant :( sigh... Really not looking forward to GAIT when my entire platoon is without a PC and without a PS . Which means I'm the next in command and I have to lead the entire platoon on my own during their toughest phase of training in their army life, converting from a normal soldier to an elite guardsman. And every one of them will depend on me, just like how I would have to depend on every single one of them too. At the same time, I'll have to chiong with my section and manage the entire platoon. Damn... It's gonna be hell once this whole shit starts. I guess I'm never meant for an easy life, that the better I do, the more effort I put in, the tougher my tasks get and more responsibilities are assigned to me. 

I just hope that throughout all this training and leadership experience, I don't lose my emotions and become like some lifeless workaholic robot. Because I can feel like that now sometimes and it scares me. I really want someone to talk to, not just talking about army life all the time with my army friends in camp. I wish there was someone out there to remind me of what life is like outside. I wish there was someone who would make me look forward to book outs. Someone that made me feel comfortable being myself. If only I didn't lose that someone. There are just some things that your mind and soul can't get over, and it's going to be painful having to ORD and transit back to a normal life again. My body aches but it's the empty feeling that is bothering me more these days. 

Things are changing, I can feel it

army life is getting quite shitty. Sometimes I think section commanders like us are really overworked; too much is expected from us. And even when we're doing our job, we get punished, we get blamed, we get arrowed, we get scolded, all this and we're expected to be the most motivated and garang commanders? That's like giving me shit to eat and expecting me to smile and enjoy eating it. And I find it really sad that because of this, some of my fellow section commanders just lose the morale and drive to lead. The passion and leadership dies out and it is contagious to the men too. For me, I'm still striving on, trying not to let my emotions affect my work and trying to be more of a commander than an instructor. But how long can I last before I burn out? Already I can see a few just giving up completely. Getting the chevrons was hard, but living up to that rank on a daily basis is even harder. 

Marching through March

Today was a well spent weekend, went to climb with cave and span and did some top rope routes. Felt kinda sad that I couldn't finish a lot of them properly though, especially when these kind of routes used to be easy to me :( but it's ok, I know I can train up once I'm out of this shit. And I'm sure everyone that reads my blog knows what shit I'm referring to. 

I need to start training up for ippt soon. That means running more often since it's my worst station that prevents me from getting gold... But if I don't get guards gold it's ok, I know running isn't my forte and my body isn't built to run. It's built for something even greater than that which I already discovered in JC :) I may be really weak in climbing now but I'll get back to where I was and even better in the near future. 

Oh yeah, tmr is the release of A level results. Up till now, I still have occasional nightmares of receiving results. I remember vaguely that it's the same dream everytime; of me going to school in my army uniform because I somehow dreamt that I took another national exam before I ORD. And I did extremely badly because my brain rotted over the 2 years of army. No uni wanted to accept me and I chose to sign on as a sergeant to earn a living. Around this point I would wake up feeling shaken and it'll take me awhile to come back to reality that there is no exam at the end of my army life. Or is there? Maybe the end of year exam when I ORD could be the most difficult one I have to take, an exam in which I have to learn how to transit back to a normal civilian again.. 

Anyway I'm digressing too much. Hope those getting their results would be full of smiles when they receive it, because I always believe you reap what you sow, your results will definitely reflect the amount of effort you put in your academics. I'll never forget the day I got back my A level results about a year ago. Though JC life was stressful and all, I would give anything just to relive those days again. If only I had appreciated what I had back then, but now it's just too late. 

Oh yeah, I've also been exercising more often these days. Been doing 10 sets of 10 pull ups every morning at 5am as a training regime, and time to time when I am free at night I'll go do planks and use weights etc. but I really got to get my legs working. This is the best time for me to get fit and I'm wasting the opportunity. 

life is getting quite boring. I wish I could be away from my phone sometimes because now it's just all army work related talk on whatsapp. Even in camp now I don't really feel like saying much to others. I wish I had someone genuine to talk to but I just can't find the time or the person any more. 

Goodnight everybody.