What a way to end the year

Down with a cough and fever. Wanted to go countdown at my army friends' house but I think that's not possible now. Also wanted to see a doctor but the clinic I always visit is closed :/ so I resorted to self medication and now I'm heavily sedated. Probably going to sleep till the next morning and forget about 54321 happy new year because honestly it's just another day to me now. I thought this new year celebration would be spent happily but I was wrong :( terrible way to end the year, and even more terrible to start the new year this way. Happy new year everybody who still cares. I think I've got a new resolution for the new year, and it's top priority too: get well soon :(

I fucking hate to be sick. I feel weak and useless and I feel like I have lost weight/shrunk. That really sucks for me cause gaining every gram isn't easy. And it disrupts my fitness cause I can't train when I'm sick, and when I get back to training again when I recover it's as if someone pressed a reset button on me. 

Lately I've been thinking less and doing more, I'm glad I got out of that phase, everyday I'm making progress slowly but surely. Alright enough bullshit. Gonna close my eyes now and let the drowsiness kick in. 

"Don't assure others with lies; don't make promises you can't keep"

First day

It's the first day of ps course and everything's going fine. I think this will be nothing compared to GCC so it should be alright for me. Hope my cough will be able to recover over the new year holiday, hate falling sick during training. 

Just a short one today cause I don't really feel like blogging. Feeling a little down and tired. I should just face the harsh reality instead of carrying on with this pretense. 

Platoon Sergeant

Cursed by the bayonet, I have to drag myself for PS course tmr. 

Honestly, I'm not excited about it one bit cause it's a hassle to bring everything there for just 2 weeks and also I'd be losing time spent training and interacting with my recruits. To add on to that, I'm also sick of being on course and being a trainee. I want to train others, not be trained anymore. I think I've learnt enough from army and it's time I imparted my knowledge to others. And lastly, I have no motivation to go for this course unlike GCC or pro term, because there's nothing to look forward to at the end of the graduation. There won't be a rank presentation or a new beret to wear with pride. Probably just a cert and that's it, you're expected to serve 5 more years of reservist. 

Sigh. And being a guardsman, I foresee that the commanders of the ps course will arrow me to take up all the appointments and the other trainees will just man mode and mock us for not being up to expectations. If this shit happens during the course I'm just gonna fuck care these kind of fuckers because i'll only have to bear with them for 2 weeks. 

Gonna sleep soon cause I'll have to wake up super early tmr to get to pasir laba. I guess the only one good thing about attending this course is that I'll be back in the camp I miss a lot. Back in the camp where I earned my chevrons and lead with pride. Back to the place where I was so determined to do my best, but now there's not much to live for :(

Oh yeah, this is my 600th post. I started blogging in 2007, and it has been 6 years. In just 6 years so much has happened and so much has changed. Idk till what age would I be blogging till, maybe I'll never grow out of this. 

Goodnight to those out there that still care. 

Recalling nightmares

Been having some recurring nightmares recently:( 

Dreamt that I was in uni and life wasn't really good.

I was struggling with my studies. In my dream, I was in an exam hall, staring at a maths paper which I had no idea how to do. I wrote my name on the working paper but instead I saw myself writing 3SG JOSHUA KO. I was taken aback by that, and then the setting changed. 

I was in the NUS boulder gym. It was some tryouts for the team and I was standing beside a whole row of stronger, bigger sized climbers. I was the last in line, and had the privilege to see the rest climb before me which was intimidating. All of them climbed better than me. And here I was, weak and small. Then it was my turn. I was so nervous that I did a false start and the whole judging panel laughed and told me to get lost. I begged for a retry but they didn't respond. 

I'm scared. I really am. I'm afraid I won't be able to adjust back to a student life again. To think that I thought it'd be hard for me to adapt to army life before I enlisted. And now, I think it's going to be hard for me to get out of it and live like a civilian again. With my future so uncertain, sometimes I wish I could just not grow up and live in limbo. I don't think I can take studying any more. I want to face the real world and start working. But I'll be wasting my life away and all the effort I put in for my education would have been in vain. Life is about progress, no matter now painful it may be for one to move on to the next phase of life. But what if there's no progress? What if it's just simply change? Progress is supposed to be good, but I don't think my life will get better when I enter uni :/ I guess I don't really have a good feeling about going uni. Just a premonition. 

I think it's best for me to sleep now and forget about all these worries, just for a little while. 

Early resolutions

2014 is coming soon and I've decided to think of some new year's resolutions since I'm bored doing guard duty right now. Looking back at my past blog post about a year ago, my 2013 resolution was to not get injured during NS. YAY:D for the first time I actually fulfilled my new year's resolution haha. I am thankful for being injury free throughout NS this year, even though there were some bruises, cuts and abrasions here and there. But what's a little pain compared to pride?:) I'm also glad I've never fallen out of any training before, never gave up during hardship and never fainted/suffered from heat exhaustion that so many other infanteers/guardsmen suffer from.

 Though I may not have a very fit body, it is still a healthy one and I wouldn't have it any other way. Ok maybe except putting on more weight LOL. I know for sure I am destined to be small sized for the rest of my life, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't work towards being of normal weight.

This year was probably the most difficult year I have been through in my life. Army was definitely not easy, but I strived on and achieved success. I'll never forget the pride of being a specialist and being awarded the silver bayonet. I never regretted my choice of being a specialist; being a sergeant suits me and I'll treasure the times I had with my brothers and the values I learnt in Lima till the day I die. And not so long ago, I earned the right to be called a guardsman; to don the coveted khaki beret and guards tab that few can attain. Overall I'm contented that I've managed to push myself beyond my perceived limits this year, and I hope in the next year I'll be able to push my men beyond their own boundaries too :) so that's one new year's resolution: to ORD proudly, knowing that I've trained my men well. 

I can't think of many other resolutions to work towards next year since 2014 will be entirely about army again :/ but one of them would be that at the end of 2014 I hope to be happier than I am now and strengthen my friendships, maybe make more friends too rather than lose more of them. 

Off to prowl. Maybe I'll blog again later if I feel like it. 

My day in a few words

Leave 

Games

Lunch

Climb

Weak

Sad

Chicken 

Home

Camp

Exercise

Zzz

Just forgot that I actually have guard duty this Saturday wtf. Which means I have to book in on Friday night(my leave day), and do guard duty till Sunday morning when I can book out. There goes all my weekend plans :(

Seriously la I'm so pissed off with guard duty. I just don't understand why all of it can't be done by security troopers. We don't ask security troopers to be part time guardsmen and chiong, so why should we guardsmen be part time security troopers? How much duties can we be piled with? -.- 

Blues

And just like every book in, some will face book in blues. And for my recruits, this will be their first ever book in blues. Book in blues usually happen because you'll miss the weekend experience that you had, or you're not looking forward to the upcoming training. Or sometimes even both. 

Well for me, I've never had book in blues in a long time. Maybe it's because my book outs aren't meaningful any more. Or maybe because training is not tough of me any more. Or maybe, just maybe, I'm just numb to it all. Numb to everything.

I need to find a way out. I'm stuck at the bottom of a wall with no tiles at all. 

Thinking about life

One of those mornings when you reflect and wonder what to do next with your life. 

Didn't have much time to exercise cause of the confinement period, now I'm feeling quite unfit :( need to start exercising again. But damn it, there's still the bloody ps course coming up.

This Friday I'm on leave. Think I'll go and climb hmm. Then exercise over the weekends. And then new year's holidays will be spent exercising or climbing too. 

Maybe I'll try and get back to climbing again. At least during this ptp and bmt phase for my recruits I won't be that physically exhausted. But once their guards training starts I think my climbing will go down again :(

Talked to one of the PCs in my company who is actually a female officer that went through the same GCC as I did. Didnt talk to her much during GCC cause everything was so hectic but yesterday we finally talked about our common interests of climbing. She used to be part of the NUS mountaineering team and told me a lot about her adventures overseas, ice climbing etc. then she took up sport climbing recreationally and loved it ever since. She prefers to lead climb more than boulder though, cause she deems that bouldering is high risk for getting injured. But now as she too is caught up in her army career, she misses climbing a lot and hasn't climbed in a long time and she finds it hard to maintain her friendship with her climbing friends. Could totally relate to how she felt when talking to her yesterday... Sigh. But she encouraged me to get back to climbing the moment I ORD since I'm still young and strong, and hopefully get into NUS climbing team if I choose to study locally. 

But what to do now? Just suck thumb for another year :(

):

Dear God,

A lonely road, crossed another cold state line
Miles away from those I love purpose hard to find
While I recall all the words you spoke to me
Can't help but wish that I was there
Back where I'd love to be, oh yeah
Dear God the only thing I ask of you is
to hold her when I'm not around,
when I'm much too far away
We all need that person who can be true to you
But I left her when I found her
And now I wish I'd stayed
'Cause I'm lonely and I'm tired
I'm missing you again oh no
Once again
There's nothing here for me on this barren road
There's no one here while the city sleeps
and all the shops are closed
Can't help but think of the times I've had with you
Pictures and some memories will have to help me through, oh yeah
Dear God the only thing I ask of you is
to hold her when I'm not around,
when I'm much too far away
We all need that person who can be true to you
I left her when I found her
And now I wish I'd stayed
'Cause I'm lonely and I'm tired
I'm missing you again oh no
Once again
Some search, never finding a way
Before long, they waste away
I found you, something told me to stay
I gave in, to selfish ways
And how I miss someone to hold
when hope begins to fade...
A lonely road, crossed another cold state line
Miles away from those I love purpose hard to find
Dear God the only thing I ask of you is
to hold her when I'm not around,
when I'm much too far away
We all need the person who can be true to you
I left her when I found her
And now I wish I'd stayed
'Cause I'm lonely and I'm tired
I'm missing you again oh no
Once again

Amen.

Fml no more

Turns out I was looking at the wrong month for my COS duties and my duty is actually one day after the event so thankfully I'll be able to make it! Though I may have to rush back to camp in smart 4 after that zzz. 

So I'm finally home after booking out. It was the first book out for the recruits and some of them really pissed me off right before the book out cause they can't follow simple instructions. But I'll try and be patient and not punish them too much. At least I know they're not outrightly defiant, but just really really blur.

Don't really know what to do to celebrate Christmas :/ maybe I'll go out with my Lima bros tmr for lunch or something. Wish I had something to look forward to these days :( I need to get used to book out days like these for the next 1 year...

FML 3 times the charm

So I've got COS duty next month on a weekend that I have something on. 

FUCK. 

Am I destined to always miss out on everything? This green uniform has consumed me too much...  I need a break from all of this:( I don't want to lose my identity over this 2 years.. 

Will try my best to change duties with someone but who the fuck would want a weekend duty?

Sometimes I just feel so shitty over serving this country. Yeah I do agree that NS is necessary, but I just feel bitter that there's so much that I could have done, so many things that could have set my life straight, if I didn't have to serve this 2 years. But I guess it's just a sacrifice every Singaporean son has to make, even though some sacrifices are hard to take. 

I can feel like I'm losing everything.. Losing my friendships, losing my family bonding, losing my intellect, losing my old self, losing my strength, losing everything that matters to me. 

How much more do I have to lose before this 2 years are over? How will I emerge out of this camp when I finally get to shout ORD LOH ? 

Maybe I'll have to rebuild my life all over again. 

Fml again

Fell down yesterday and scraped my elbow :( now I can't even do upper body exercises zzz. Fate really hates me man. Have I done too many wrongdoings and I'm getting my retribution now? I hope I won't get injured anymore this is really pissing me off. 

Nicknames

So I just got a new army nickname again wth. The other commanders in my coy think I look like snoopy and call me snoopy 

Haha but snoopy's kinda cute!!:D beats other nicknames I had in army like STD(long story guys it's not what you think), McSkiver and Peewee. I still like chiongshuaaa though haha. It really suits my vocation. 

Today's quite a relaxed day. It's sort of like a lull day for the recruits after all the PT they had. Wish I could book out later/nights out but I know that's not possible :( my leg's still hurting quite badly. Thankfully I'm booking out tmr for a short while to celebrate my grandma's birthday. And I get to take an off day on the 27th cause I still have one more leave day left to clear!:D shiok sia haha. Shall take a short nap for now. Oh yeah, been doing more pull ups recently and my recruits were curious so they asked me how many I could do. Told them my max was 28 and they were awed haha cause many of them are zero fighters. But there are so many people out there that can do more than me. Showed them some pull up moves like muscle up and one finger pull ups during their pull up regime before meals too LOL. Don't know if that'll motivate them or make them feel crappy that they can't even do 1 pull up. Maybe I should train up enough to do a 1 arm pull up again or do a flag :O kinda excited to learn parkour and to go back to climbing when I ORD.

I miss my old life

I wish I could go back and live those good days again. When I was truly carefree and happy to be alive. When I would balance climbing and studies well enough to excel in both. When I had true friends around me. When life was simple and I had everything under control. But now look at me. I'm a fuck up stuck in army with an uncertain future. Can I go back in time please? Get me the fuck out of here. Please get me out of this life. Heaven if you do exist, let me relive those days forever and never grow up. 

Living on a prayer

"Sergeant why you never sign on?"

I thought about that for a while and replied,

"I'm a regular for two years."

The most challenging thing I find when taking recruits is answering their informal questions. You have to be able to answer witty/humorously but at the same time bring across the learning point to them clearly. Some times they ask questions I don't want to answer, but them being new soldiers, it wouldn't be right to give them no answer at all when they are curious to absorb as much as they can. 

My platoon has got many problems as individuals, but as one platoon I hope they can overcome challenges together. 

Even though some of them try to cook up heart stirring stories to Keng, the genuine cases have really made me realise the problems that I have faced in my life are so trivial compared to theirs. 

Anyway, been reflecting a lot recently about life when I have time alone to myself in camp. Looking back, I would say I wish I could turn back time. But I can't, so I can only hope that time won't turn it's back on me. As the confinement period is coming an end, PS course for me is about to begin. Which means less interaction time with my recruits, and more takan because I'll be a trainee again :( sigh... I had enough of meeting expectations, I want to help others meet theirs. And right now, I still can't find a purpose to do my best in army. I mean, if some day I really have to fight a war and die, who would really care and mourn? Won't I just be another name on a memorial that'll be forgotten over time? I guess you'll never really know your significance to others until you cease to exist in their lives. My thoughts are running wild again. My leg is hurting so badly but I still have to put on a strong front. If only it were that easy for everything huh. 

Fuck man I'm just praying for a miracle right now. But god won't help me because I can't even help myself now, as the bloodied knife lies in the angel's hands. 

Fml

Was doing pull ups on this new door pull up bar that my bunk mates bought, and the whole thing just came off and my feet scraped the ledge at the bottom of the door. Now my leg has 4 plasters and I can't walk properly -.-

THANKS FATE. ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS TO KEEP FIT BUT NOW I CANT EVEN RUN.

Life hasn't been going very well recently. The recruits are getting more rowdy and it's getting harder being firm on them all the time. More of them are getting into trouble and it's really not as easy as I thought it would be taking these men. 

But one thing good and surprising is that one of the other sect comds in my coy volunteered to do my guard duty on Xmas eve for free :O apparently he'd rather spend his Xmas with his friends who were supposed to do guard duty with me too. So I guess now my Xmas is free. Well not like I'm going to be doing much, but I'm thankful that I get to spend one night at home with my family. Maybe fate isn't so bad after all hmm

But fate is still a bitch. Hope my leg recovers quickly:(

Been so busy recently I didn't have time to blog. So if you're still following this, sorry about not updating heh. 

Tmr some of my friends are gonna graduate as sergeants! Really proud of them :D each of them gets a bayonet too I think! I miss those times when I was still a cadet, and I miss my scgp too.. It was one of the proud moments in my army life getting that silver bayonet and going against all odds. Of course, the proud moment in my army life would definitely be earning my guards tab and beret:) but between the scgp and the GCC graduation, I would choose to go back to the scgp days any time..

Alright time to go train my recruits again. Dk how the fuck I'm gonna wear shoes/boots but I'll just endure with it. Fuck the pain. Fuck all pain I have ever felt or feel. 

silence in the dark night

The angel so innocent,

Holds a bloodied knife,

The power to save,

Or to end a life. 

Another busy day. It's getting monotonous but the respect I get from the recruits keeps me going day by day. I don't know how long it will last though. Even if I have lost my motivation to serve, these guys are still new to this whole system, and it is my responsibility to help them find that spark to drive them to achieve their best in army. Fuck. It's 12am. I need to sleep and stop thinking about shit... It's not going to do me any good. 

I could only get half a day off. It was either this Friday night or Saturday night. Either the scgp or my grandma's birthday dinner. I was so tempted to request for the Friday's one, but I knew it wasn't the right thing to do. Family always came first no matter what.. And so I did what was right even though I feel bitter about it. But it's all part of being an upright person/soldier isn't it? Doing what is right even though it goes against your preferences. Just like knowing that you have to serve those 2 years even though you don't want to, cause it's the right thing to do. Isn't it? 

Goodnight and sweet dreams sb/bg, did I really do what was right this time?:( tell me that I'm wrong, cause I really wish I am. 

Finality

In two days I have seen two of my recruits cry in front of me over their personal problems. if only I really believed in the words of encouragement I told them. To stay strong and give your best in army. But I can't even do that myself.

These men will look up to me and rely on me some day. With pride I will lead them.

Nights out now for me but I don't know where to go. Think I'll just go nearby camp to grab a bite and hurry back to prep my recruits for their route march tmr. On another night like this I would have gone somewhere else but now the only thing occupying me is training my men to be better soldiers than I am before I ORD. They will be strong guardsmen that will never shed tears. 

Days are feeling longer; hearts are feeling colder

What a freaking long day. It really amazes me how long the day can be with back to back activities. Today's day 4 for the recruits and they have already faced the floor lots of times, got their bunks tornadoed, stand by universe, etc. I'm kinda glad my bmt wasn't as xiong as this shit we're giving them lol. 

Still pretty exhausted as always. It's mentally tiring to put up a serious front and to be strict and particular about every single mistake they make. It's just not natural being someone you're not but it definitely is necessary if I want to instill discipline in my men. So much has happened today and there's so much to learn as a commander. 

Alright it's getting late and I have to wake up early tmr again zzz. Time to sleep :( another busy and long day ahead. 

I hope my future me in 1 year's time is enjoying life as a civilian again rather than feel lost about what to do. I hope for so much in myself in 1 year's time but yet for 2013 I have destroyed myself. But I won't make the same mistake again, will I?:/ I feel like everyone's just getting away from me, that we're all drifting apart. I didn't feel happy much this year, even if I did it was all false hope anyway. Is there really someone out there who would truly care with their actions rather than turn around and walk away without even saying goodbye? I don't think so at all. I'm just a nobody anyway. 

Hear the silent pleas

It really is mentally exhausting to take recruits, because you have to be there 24/7 with them. Knocked them down today for the very first time because they fell in late, and just tornadoed their bunks this morning cause of their lousy stand by area standard. The three of us sect comds increased the takan level today and we aren't giving them chances any more. I could tell their morale is like shit now. But I'll have to use the right words and tone at the end of today to let them know that suffering together is all part of learning how to work as a platoon. 

I hope I don't burn out so fast. Getting tired too easily now. And I have lost the momentum to exercise. Fuck. Even if I had the motivation to, I don't have the time for it. BMT is really more busy than I thought for the commanders. I really wish I had time to myself to work out. But I guess training recruits; training future guardsmen, is a meaningful and worthwhile experience. Even if your soldiers might end up hating you for all the shit you throw at them, as long as they are trained soldiers, then the commander has done his duty well. 

And like every other platoon in any other kind of bmt, there are always the different types of people. The blur cocks. The chao Keng. The overly enthu. The quiet and shy ones. The gu niangs. The zero fitness fighters. The language barriers. All this variety makes it difficult to use a single approach to manage an entire platoon, so everyday I'm learning something new about leading newly enlisted men. 

Anyway I think I finally did what was right, even though it still pains me to do it. I'll trust less and be more cautious next time, if there'll even be a next time. So where do I go from here on? I guess I'll focus on settling my future. 

Maybe fate is finally giving me some hope  in life. Now I've got to look for a scholarship that can sponsor the expensive fees of studying overseas. I want to get out of this country as soon as I can and start life anew... Fuck studying in singapore. But then there's also this:

1 more year left. 1 extremely long year. 

I don't know what to do on the first book out for the recruits cause I'll only get half a day of Xmas before having to book back in again anyway. Heck I don't even know what to do on New Year's Eve/Day. Last year I spent it sleeping at home. I guess this year would be the same shit. It's just another day to me, and I'll be in fucking PS Course at that time anyway. I don't care about celebrating holidays any more, I'll just be satisfied with having any time off for myself from army. As people start walking out of your life, you can only hope they choose to stop and turn back, or fear they start running faster and faster away from you.

Anyway last night I had a nightmare and I woke up sub consciously hearing myself shouting in my sleep. I can't remember what I was shouting or what the nightmare was about but I could see/dream of (not really sure which it was) some shadow standing at the window right beside my bunk bed and I think I was shouting at it. This rarely happens to me.. even though I sleeptalk quite often, I rarely wake up to hear myself shouting and being unable to control it. It was scary as fuck. I hope I didn't wake and scare any of my bunk mates. I'd rather have sleepless nights than go through that shit again. 

Time to go off to train the recruits in foot drill. Life goes on monotonously from now on, there's no more happiness and joy to look forward to any more. 

Forgotten

"A little piece of paper with a picture drawn 
Floats on down the street till the wind is gone 
And the memory now is like the picture was then 
When the paper's crumpled up it can't be perfect again"

A little piece of my memory dies everyday.

Another long day

Day 2 of taking recruits. Today was quite a hectic day as usual. Can start seeing the true colours of some of the recruits as they try and test system. Learnt never to hesitate to shout at them when they commit a mistake. If I don't correct them now when they're still fresh, they'll never know it is wrong and it'll grow to become a habit. Gonna step up the discipline level and at the same time build up bonding among them. And this can both be achieved concurrently with pain and suffering. And that shit is coming soon. Once their grace period is over, it's time for them to learn discipline the hard way. The only way that can set them straight: make them face the floor. 

Talked to them a bit to try and open up to them and inject humour cause they looked so depressed. Can tell their morale went up after that for the day, but whenever that happens their discipline goes down and there are always those special few that try and step over your head. 

Something else unfortunate happened today which I can't talk about. Friday the 13th is kinda bad luck haha. I just hope that the worst won't happen because it's only day 2 and there's still so much potential and time ahead for these recruits to transform into trained soldiers/future guardsmen. 

Shall go and sleep now. 12 more days to book out on Xmas morning cause of guard duty (FUCK THIS SHIT) on Xmas Eve and have to book in on Xmas night again. Sigh. That means I don't even get to celebrate Christmas much or get to sleep on my bed at home for one night:( 

Army taught me that you can only defend what is yours. But what if what you thought was yours isn't yours at all?

Then you should rappel off a helicopter behind enemy lines and flank them from the rear to get it back. 

First day

Today was really tiring but satisfying. 

I'm happy with getting this bunch of recruits in my platoon cause none of them seem like big trouble makers. For now. Feels kinda sad to know that many of them have personal issues :/ but I can't show any pity and mercy and I have to put on that strict and fierce attitude in front of them every time. I also learnt that I have to deliver and prioritize instructions one at a time, cause most of them are kinda blur and slow when receiving instructions. But they'll improve with time, I'll definitely make sure of that. It feels shiok when they reply you in unison "YES SERGEANT!", and when I get to shout at them for all their little mistakes, but nothing will beat at least one of them thanking me for being their sect comd when they POP 4 months from now. 

Got to sleep soon. It's been a long day. I think I've made a pretty decent first impression as a commander. Asked the rest how I did, they said I'm playing the 50%fierce50%approachable role well. Which is what I wanted to achieve today. Some day I will be their reservist PS (oh god why), which means I cannot be playing as the bad or good guy now, I must always be the in-between; the balancer.

Ok im really tired. Goodnight world. 

I Miss You - Blink 182

"Where are you

And I'm so sorry

I cannot sleep

I cannot dream tonight

I need somebody and always

This sick strange darkness

Comes creeping on

So haunting everytime"

The big day has finally come

So tmr is the day my men will finally enlist and start their 4 month long bmt. I'm feeling excited over it because I can finally take charge and take the lead. It's going to be a long day ahead tmr, but my 1 year long job begins tmr as well. Tmr I am finally a section commander leading an actual section. 

Oh yeah, tmr also marks the countdown; I've only got exactly 1 more year left to ORD. WOOHOOOOOOO. 365 more days to freedom :) I hope within this 365 days, I'll be able to plan ahead and set my life straight so that I won't be lost about what to do when I ORD. It's going to be a wild, painful and fast paced 1 year, but at the end of it, I want to ORD knowing that I have made a difference in the lives of other soldiers. The best reward a commander can get from his men is seeing them being proficient in their soldiering fundamentals. 

Time to sleep and get some rest. Each day gets less painful but I'm still suffering.. The PSes in my company are very encouraging in terms of motivating me to bulk up. I really hope it's possible. So many times in my life I have tried doing so, but it has always never worked out. But this time I'm determined to go all out, if only I had the time for it. I just wish I had like a 1 month break away from all the army duties just to focus primarily on bulking up. Hmm. Maybe I can do it when I ORD. But the self discipline and drive must definitely remain strong. I guess it's just the trouble you have to go through for this superficial world eh?:( first impressions always counts, and being a guy, you're expected to be big sized. But all I'm aiming for is just to be lean and normal sized. Oh yeah, may also want to learn parkour when I ORD! Shall start a wishlist/to do list soon, even though I know not all wishes come true and you've got to be careful with what you wish for. But a boy can dream, can't he? :) but a guardsman won't waste time dreaming, instead he'll do all he can, even to his last breath, to meet his goals. And that's exactly what I'll do, even though it will probably kill me :/

Even heroes have the right to bleed

Just came back from a pleasant nights out with the other commanders in my platoon. Well there aren't many of us anyway, just me, two other sect comds and our regular platoon sergeant. But after today's nice bonding session during dinner, and working with them for the past few days, I think I can really work comfortably and efficiently with this team. 

Our PS treated all of us to dinner in the end by footing the bill which was really nice of him. It was a good break from all the days of saikang we had to go through and also time well spent getting to know each other. I realised I have a lot in common to my PS too, through interacting with him during GCC with him being my cadre and now with him being my PS. But of course my body is nothing like his, he is extremely buff and looks like a rock whereas I'm just a stick LOL. Well I guess we're similar because we both enjoy doing pull ups. The last I heard rumours was that his max pull ups is 62. Sixty fucking two. He puts all my pride in thinking my max pull ups is good to shame haha. And we both don't believe in gym, he got his bulk solely through doing pull ups and push ups everyday, of course along with the proper diet and strong self discipline. I think he has also gone climbing before too. Must be really easy for him. I guess we're also similar in terms of character. Both of us don't really talk much, we're a little unsure of what to say, and we're not the type of commander that punishes others severely for enjoyment. We just get the job done and do what we have to do. But hearing his schooling days' stories, I can tell there's a playful and mischievous person hiding behind that professional front haha. Just like me. We both took pure lit in sec sch, the same books even, and we enjoyed the life lessons we learnt from it. There's a lot in common and I think it's going to be a great 1 year being under him as a sect comd. 

I'm glad to have him as my PS. I hope someday I would be able to inspire and give confidence to my sect comds and men when I become an NS PS during my reservist. But by then I'll be so fking old and lazy -.- so right now I'm just going to work towards being a good sect comd. And at the same time, maybe work towards becoming as fit as he is too :P nothing is impossible, if I can go through GCC I can definitely bulk up. The only thing stopping me is myself. 

Going to sleep soon. Two more days till my men enlist. I think they must feel really shitty and nervous now, it's like their last two nights to sleep soundly as a civilian. But I doubt they can ever sleep peacefully; the fateful enlistment day would definitely haunt them naggingly.

Going to turn in early for the night cause it's been quite a tiring day. 

In the endless nights,

The guardsman fights.

Unfailing in toughness,

He shows no weakness.

But then comes a stray,

His heart in the way.

His battle was over,

Before he got to cover.

Guardsmen never die,

They never give in.

They always say try,

Even when hope's thin.

With his last might,

The enemy on iron sights,

His rifle flashes light,

A guardsman's last rites. 

December blues in green

Saddest song of the month :'(

http://youtu.be/N33pTbu7FB4

Back in camp

Did 50 pull ups just now before last parade, and 100 push ups up here in bunk. 

Feeling kinda tired now. But the short exercise felt good. It feels pretty good not to use twitter/fb/insta any more, and just write everything on my blog. Feels like a diary that I can write on - a diary that only I can write on. 

Gonna be on office duty tmr the whole day, luckily the office is damn near the pull up bars :P so maybe I can sneak off for some quick pulls haha. 

Time to sleep... 

But before that, just want to share something which really cheered me up a few days ago:

"There are lots who care, joshua. Dont assume people dont:)"

I won't assume any more,

This life's still worth fighting for. 

Thank you for being there when I least expected it :)

Am I ready?

Eh hehe #ootd

Booking in soon. Not looking forward to getting confined for 2 weeks+. But it must be even worse for my men who are gonna enlist this coming Thursday. The apprehension and anxiety they will feel on the days before enlistment, and on the day itself.

I don't know whether I'm ready to lead these men. After all that has happened I have lost so much motivation to carry on with army. But I'll still have to do it because these men need my guidance, and it's still a duty I must fulfill. 

It's about 1 more year left to ORD. Needless to say, I can't wait to get back to a normal civilian life. But somehow I feel a little scared that ORD will come too fast. Too fast such that I will feel lost because I won't know what to do when it happens. I'll be 20 by then. I wonder if I'll still be the same; whether things will still be the same, even after getting out of army. Everyone would want to seek happiness and fun once they ORD. But what is happiness and fun to me? I don't know any more. I thought I knew what it was once but it turns out I was wrong.

Maybe I'll go learn driving. Prepare for uni by going for advanced lessons. Start climbing again. But can all of that make my life fulfilling? I really don't know :/

Oh yeah, to those who read my blog, I hope you guys enjoy the poems I write. Sometimes I have to rack my brains really hard cause my brain is now running on plantium 1. But sometimes the words just come to me naturally because I feel like I can relate to the poems I write..

"You never know you've lost something you always had until you realise you need it. And by then, it's too late."

It's never too late. 

A symphony of rainfall,

Keeps her company.

She takes out her little gift,

In the rain's melancholy.

Standing by the trash bin,

She contemplates this choice. 

To throw away what she held,

And drown out all the noise.

The rain continues merciless, 

As she opens up the covers.

Her heart aches with regret,

As she cries goodbye to flowers.

A final token of love from him,

he was now long gone,

She couldn't bear to look at it,

She couldn't bear to mourn. 

The journey home was all alone,

She wished he was still here,

To protect her from every drop,

The rain and her own tears.

Music

Oh yeah, so apart from exercising today, spent the entire day sorting out my music library on my com and phone. 

Downloaded a lot of new songs that I liked while browsing YouTube, (NOOO I'm becoming mainstream) and some old songs which I used to listen to in sec 2, Mostly by a metal band called Breaking Benjamin. All of their songs brings back memories on the first few times I listened to metal in sec 2 and I grew to like that genre ever since:)

So for all you mainstream people who don't appreciate metal, here's a nice non metal song I like too which I just transferred to my phone and com today:D

http://youtu.be/TGx0rApSk6w

Sorry I'm blogging from my phone so I can't embed the video in the post itself D:

I think I'll go cycling around my estate tmr hmm. 

Good morning to good night, I'll wake up at twilight. (From another mainstream song I like haha)

My progress begins

Just got back home from a good exercise:D

Ran the 2.4 route in my estate at a quick but comfortable pace (around like 60% of my max speed?) and got a timing of 10:38. Last time I used to struggle to hit that timing, but now it's just like a leisure jog to me:) then slow jogged the 2.4 route again for a second time. I'm doing this to build up my endurance, so once my endurance is strong enough I'll focus on doing intervals to increase my speed so that i can get that <9:15 timing for guards gold some day:) but first, I will strive to hit that <9:45. My personal best still stays at 10:00 exactly (the recent ippt during GCC). Just need to cut 15 seconds!! :D

After that I jogged to the playground with the pull up bar and did my 100 pull ups in pyramid style, 87654321, 87654321 and finally 7654321 with 30 seconds rest within each set and 1 minute rest between each set. Towards the last set I was tiring out and had to shake off a lot of the lactic acid while hanging. Kinda sad that my pull ups dropped considerably from last time :( last time pull ups was my ultimate forte because of all the climbing training I had. It still is now of course, but I wasn't as strong as before. My max pull ups, recovery and finger strength was definitely better back in those good old days. And I realized my forearm has shrunk a lot from last time :( but I don't want to go back to climbing now because there won't be any time for progress through a proper training regime. Just have to wait till I get back my pink ic. 

Then I did 100 dips: 4 sets of 25 which was quite ok. Next was 100 push ups: 25 x 2 standard and 25 x 2 wide arm. Finally I ended off the day with 100 leg raises and 100 crunches. 

Now my arms feel like jelly LOL

But working out feels really shiok. 

I think I need to get myself a new pair of running shoes too. Still wearing the old one I used to wear to school last time which is very worn out by now, there's almost no cushioning on the sole when I run and my footsteps are too loud which really affects my stride. And maybe I'll buy some weights too! Can't wait for my next pay to come in. I spent almost all of my november's pay on lots of stuff :/ but I don't regret spending all that money if it has made myself and others happy. 

My men are going to enlist soon. All I have to say is, I hope I'm able to train every single one of them to become good soldiers. And at the same time, I hope I can learn from them what it takes to be a good sergeant; to gain the respect of men with my words, actions and knowledge.

Time for dinner. Hope that there'll be a class outing tmr :D

a guard duty sentry that sings too much.

I've been trying to do it right
I've been living a lonely life
I've been sleeping here instead
I've been sleeping in my bed,

I've been sleeping in my bed 

So show me family
all the blood that i will bleed
I dunno where I belong
I dunno where I went wrong,
but I can write a song

I belong with you, you belong with me
you're my sweetheart
I belong with you, you belong with me
you're my sweet

I don't think you're right for him
think of what it might have been if you
took a bus to Chinatown
I'd be standing on canal
and bowery
and she'd be standing next to me

I belong with you, you belong with me
you're my sweetheart
I belong with you, you belong with me
you're my sweetheart

And love, we need it now
Let's hope for some
Cause oh, we're bleeding out

I belong with you, you belong with me
you're my sweetheart
I belong with you, you belong with me
you're my sweet

Mirrors

Staring at your reflection

You come to realization

The person staring back

Feels pain he can't forget

His life has no more reason

My life will change.

goodbye to all other social media. deleted all those apps on my phone. won't ever be using them again. the only thing I need now is my blog. It's the only online platform I can genuinely speak my mind and I know the people reading this are the ones that still care anyway. I'll just be oblivious to the world; after all, knowing more only causes you harm, and letting others know more only ends up hurting them.

wanted to use my nokia shit phone from now on too, if it wasn't for the whatsapp group that we commanders now use to communicate within the company..

but i'll still restrict myself.

no more distractions. today I will set my life straight, after having screwed up my 18th year. now I begin my life as a 19 year old who will never repeat the same mistakes again.

routine physical training through self discipline.

i'll get that impossible guards gold.

i'll go to the gym in camp when i'm not on duty.

i'll do all the exercises/work outs to strengthen myself up.

i'll train up even during the weekends.

i'll eat as much proper food as I can.

i had enough of being weak both physically and mentally. i won't let the guardsman reputation down; I will be unfailing in toughness. I will prove to the world that I will not be put down so easily.

all i want for my 19th birthday

is to get rid of all my emotions;

so i'll never feel pain again.

happy birthday.

two simple words but I didn't even achieve that today at all.

The best songs to cry yourself to sleep to on a depressing night.

http://youtu.be/kYt2PcTT1-8

http://youtu.be/INuS80qe_qU

19 years

Happy fucking birthday to me

There's no greater misery

Than having guard duty 

And sleepless memories

The world spins ignorant 

It doesn't wait for you

You thought yourself important

But that isn't true

Bitterness and sorrow 

Your only company 

I've never felt this low

On my 19th anniversary

the last month of the year

I always liked December, it meant that the end of the year was nearing soon, Christmas was coming, and it signified that I have lived for another year since the day I came to this Earth.

December used to be school holidays, going overseas, having a sense of freedom, doing whatever I want, spending time with people that matter. December used to be fun.

Tomorrow I turn 19 years old. One year ago I wouldn't have imagined doing all that I have done. Once again I have grown up and matured, and my life has changed completely. I would say this year was really the worst year of my life, even worse than having to study for A levels. To give you a good idea why, all I can say is the army has given me guard duty as a birthday present. It was also really sweet of the army to make it a surprise too. I don't know how I'm going to survive till 20 years old next year. I have really lost all motivation to serve this fking country. Is my life fated to never be easy? I like challenges, but there's just too much hardship for me to tolerate. Where can I go to now? Who can I turn to now?

Some battles are best fought alone, even if you know there's no way coming out alive.

this morning I woke up at home not knowing what to do. I don't know why but I changed into my PT attire and took off running. I don't even know where I was heading to but I just kept running... and running. I don't know how far I ran but thinking back it was probably close to 10km. I stopped running at the playground near my house cause I saw a newly built pull up bar there. In all my life living in that area, it was never there, it was probably recently built: it was as if it was built there just for me. spammed pull ups like crazy on that bar. I don't know how many I did, I just kept doing until my arms went numb and they felt like breaking. I came back home physically exhausted, and I still don't know why I did all that. I still have to book in for guard duty later and I just killed all of my energy.

I don't want to think any more.