Everybody loses themselves sometimes

Maybe it's the stress from all the studying. Or rather, it's the stress of feeling that I'm not studying enough. This recess week has been so unproductive because there's so much to do with so many events to attend. 

For the first time in many years, I am truly afraid. Afraid of failure. Afraid of letting myself down. Afraid of not being smart enough. Afraid. All of this doubt just kills my confidence and I hate it so much. And whenever I am stressed out I just end up not being myself anymore. I get short tempered. I get arrogant. I get irritated. I get frustrated. I become everything I shouldn't be. 

The solace I get from climbing is what keeps me away from all these worries. I wish I could handle so many things at once but I guess I'm just not capable enough. I don't know how best to salvage the rest of this week; I only know that I have to grit my teeth and bear through it all. 

Mentally drained

Recess week is finally here. For some, it's like a short breather for them from all the academics and a good time to go for a well deserved holiday. For others, it's the beginning of a much dreaded painful process of having to study like crazy for the upcoming midterm exams. Unfortunately I belong in the latter group, as I will always be for my entire university life. Not that I'm complaining about it, since I chose this path myself. 

It has been such a mentally draining 6 weeks of school that I can't believe it has only been only 6 weeks when it felt so long. It's only going to get worse which is really sian. I feel so mentally and emotionally drained right now. The monotony of studying every single moment I have free time is overwhelming. Am I really that weak minded, weak hearted? 

Today is just a bad day. A really bad day. 

Adaptability

I think I've finally adapted to the pace of everything going on in my life right now. Trying to stay ahead of everything especially my two core CN mods, but I feel like I'm neglecting the other three not so important mods lol.

Taking IPPT today after school. I'm not very confident of getting a guards gold but I'll just do my best. Been training for it the past one month and I keep getting just slightly below 90 points. Sigh. I feel like I'm just not cut out for running. Every time I run 2.4 I feel like I'm dying at the end and my heart rate goes so fast that I can hear it beating even at my eardrums and it scares me because I know my heart isn't normal :( just have to push myself today and hope for the best. I still don't understand why we are not paid $500 if we get the normal 85 points. I mean I can understand the logic of that as a NSF, but once you're an NSMen, most people's fitness just drop to shit. Why are we paid less than others just because of our vocation? Isn't it ironic that we are paid less than the other normal combat vocations when we are supposedly considered the elite unit that is required to do more than others? But I guess that's the whole point of it, we are the elite unit and that requires us to do even better without any additional incentive. Another way to put it is that we are the vocations that must suck thumb the most because we have a higher expectation to fulfill.

Anyway, climbing for me has been going well. I can feel myself improving slightly bit by bit again. But I think I should work more on my anti style, I can't just always be doing crimps all day.