Just got back from NSBC and honestly I think it was such a bittersweet experience. It felt bitter because I know I didn't do to the best of my ability, but at the same time it also felt sweet because I did what I could given my condition at that time.
was down with a flu for the past few days and it just kept getting worse. Felt feverish before I slept last night and woke up throughout the night in fits of cough. despite drinking so much of water I still don't know why i wasn't feeling good. Woke up this morning with a body feeling very weak. I had that pre-fever feeling and I know it was going to hit me hard soon.
But then I told myself, screw it. Just going to bear with it for that 19 minutes of competition time. It's just a flu and fever, not like I injured my finger or wrist or shoulder. I can still climb. I can do it. Unfortunately, all of these self motivating thoughts couldn't convince my body to cooperate. There were many instances in climbing when I told myself it's all mind over body. And it is. But this time I just felt that no matter how much I tried to push myself mentally, my body wasn't ready at all. I shouldn't be giving excuses. I shouldn't let falling sick be my excuse for doing badly. I shouldn't. But I did. And that's what I hate about myself so much, letting myself succumb to that feeling of weakness during the competition, giving in to my body. It's like I knew in my head what had to be done but my body just couldn't perform and execute the sequences. It was a real struggle throughout the competition and towards the end as I look at the clock at the last 15 seconds, usually I knew I would still go for the route and whack all out, but this time I don't know why but I just gave up and walked away. I didn't have any fight in my left because I know I was already screwed from the start. From the moment I woke up. Right to the moment when I warmed up but I couldn't sweat at all. Usually I have to sweat to know that I'm warm enough. But I just couldn't. I knew I didn't try hard enough when I didn't even feel any pump after the competition. I knew it was because I couldn't try hard at all. My mind raced back to Pumpfest 2015, when I did worse than expected for qualifiers because I was sick. I can't let this happen to me every time. I always feel like shit when I tell people that I felt sick. Cause to me it feels like a shitty excuse. It's as if they'll think I just don't dare to admit that I suck.
But where do I move on from here? It's another lesson to be learnt. Once again I am reminded on how important keeping healthy is. All it takes is just falling sick in one day to put months of training to waste. I never want to make the same mistake again, but sometimes illness is inevitable. Maybe next time I should just back out of a competition if I don't feel well and save myself from disappointment.
Did I underperform? I really think so. I know I could have done so much better. But at the same time I'm glad I still managed to get scrape through it given my situation.
I guess it's not just about training hard and training strong to condition yourself physically for a competition. It's also important to have a healthy lifestyle to prevent yourself from falling sick.
Now that the competiton is over, guess it's back to studies again. I really can't wait for this semester to end. I can't take it anymore. Everything is just getting overwhelming and I just need some freedom which I will get from the holidays.
Have to train so much harder such that even when I'm at my worst form I can still perform. My level of climbing is definitely not enough and the desire to improve just got even stronger.