Finding Footsteps

It feels like I've been taking backward steps in my life right now, nothing seems to progress except time itself.

Like all other posts these days, I'm gonna talk about climbing once again. My finger pulley injury has not recovered yet even though I thought it did. It started hurting immediately right after I got straight back to climbing 2 weeks ago. Forced myself to take another hiatus again and today is Day 11 without climbing. Decided to take this opportunity to fix my chronic right elbow pains as well, gonna see the same TCM that helped to fix my left elbow previously this weekend. I don't know when this pulley injury is going to recover because I can't tell if it still hurts or not until I start climbing again and it would really suck so much if it still does. I plan to start climbing one week before pumpfest, the upcoming competition in June. Honestly I have absolutely no motivation to take part because of this nagging injury which I can't get rid of and hinders my climbing too much for me to bear with it. I wish I could withdraw from the comp but I guess it's too late. Just have to be prepared to get completely rekted for my very 1st open comp :(

Received my results on Monday as well and I didn't do very well this time. It made me think back and reflect on the entire semester. I didn't slack off at all. Not one bit. All I did was study and climb. I thought it was definitely going to be my best sem since Sab had left for her overseas studies already which sort of meant that I had more time to study. But this mindset proved to be my downfall, I kept thinking that success and good grades were guaranteed because of this and I think I might have been negligent and complacent as a result. It was by far the worst sem results I got so far. I can only think of a few reasons why things ended up this way, and it's either because I'm just not smart enough and I need to get smarter, or everyone else is just working harder. I have long accepted the fact that if I were to do well in this extremely competitive course, I would have to study very hard. Which I can say I definitely did; but that's what almost everyone else is doing as well. It goes to show that hard work won't pay off at all in this course because hard work has become a given already. The only way to set yourself apart is to be able to think smarter and faster, something that is difficult to hone by mindless hours of slogging away on lecture notes/tutorials. But how do I get smarter? I think if I want to really get smarter, I can no longer confine myself to just material that's available to everyone else. I have to venture out, practice textbook questions, seek out knowledge beyond the norm. All of this requires time, something which I find myself having less of with each passing sem. Right now my only two commitments are climbing and studies, but it's already taking a toll on me and truth be told I have considered giving up the former. It is a huge sacrifice to make but I feel that this results only proves that I am not capable enough to manage my time properly such that I can achieve the academic results that I want. Climbing has always been an outlet for me amidst all the stress accumulated from studying, it has been the beacon of light in my darkest and saddest moments. It is the community of lifelong friends that I have; it is the sport I will always love. But unfortunately it now seems like I am left with few choices. I'll have to see how things go once next sem starts. This time I plan to start earlier before school starts itself. I think giving myself a headstart would really help. If I want to do well next sem I have to do what the nerds do lol. There's still 4 more sems left for me to salvage this situation and I hope to make the best out of my remaining time. 

Anyway since I've been injured and out of climbing, I've been doing my own PT as well as running more often to train for my upcoming reservist in June. I am actually feeling bittersweet about going back to army again; sweet because I get to see all my brothers in arms after a long time, bitter because I have to take on a responsibility that I'm not very keen on. I've always preferred being a section commander and leading a smaller group of people. Sort of like how I prefer quality over quantity, I believe that I can make a more significant impact and really connect with them on a personal level. Nevertheless, I will still do my utmost best for this new role I am appointed with.

This summer so far is just shitty because it feels like I am moving backwards for everything and nothing is going well. I guess the only good thing is that my internship is quite fun and manageable so far.  But I am looking forward to Sab's return, which will be on 20 June so I'll only get to see her once my reservist ends :( I am certain my life will take a U-turn towards happiness once she is back again :)

 

Dealing with loss

Writing this on my way to work. It's my 3rd day of work ever since I started and I have learnt a great deal about working in the public sector. Not so much about the work itself, but more on how the office environment is like. But more on that later.

Haven't climbed since last Tuesday when my last paper ended so this is day 10 without climbing. This is due to several events that happened recently. First it was my finger injury which caused me to take a break and to ice religiously everyday. The other more important event was my grandma's funeral which is what I'm gonna be writing most about.

On Sunday morning around 5.30am, my mum went down to check on my grandma and realised she was not breathing already. Her face was still warm though which meant that she passed on only minutes ago. Before this she was already in quite a bad state, having to gasp for air desperately and her chest would heave in great effort. Her appetite declined significantly and she was getting more and more delirious each day. So the night before, my family gave her morphine to ease her pain. At least she passed away peacefully in her sleep and she passed on at a ripe old age of 94 without any illness/disease that caused her death. She died naturally as her heart just got weaker as she grew older and she was diagnosed of heart failure as the cause of death, which honestly just meant old age.

At first my family didn't grief immediately, we went through the necessary procedures to arrange for her funeral and informed all our relatives. It wasn't until her body was sent back to us after embalming and in a coffin that it hit me that she was gone. When the coffin was sealed, my dad broke down in front of all of us. It was the rare times I saw him cry. In fact, I can't remember the last time I've seen him cry. It broke me too seeing my dad in this state of grief, despite providing the best care for his mother, he still felt he didn't do enough for her. But it was clear to everyone in my family that he really did the best he could. Most Singaporean children would have sent their parents to an old folks home by now, whereas my dad would patiently feed her ice cream every night and help her cut her food etc. So I couldn't help but cry too when I saw my dad like that. I thought that I wouldn't cry during the funeral because my family had already expected that she would leave us soon so we sort of accepted that it was only a matter of time.

The whole funeral went smoothly. Was very thankful that Sab's brother came to pay his respects too, it was on a day when I was quite pissed off with some relatives so it was a relief to talk to someone else that day. My grandma was cremated on Tuesday, and my family did a sea burial for her along with my grandfather's remains (who died 25 years ago so I never met him but I wish I did). The sea burial was interesting, never knew it'd be done that way. I hope that my grandma has found her peace at last. I admit I haven't been an outstanding grandson cause I didn't spend much time with her, but she has played an important role in my upbringing and my education in Chinese and for that I am eternally grateful.

Anyway work is starting soon. A few days of work and I have learnt that an office environment doesn't really suit me, I think I'd much prefer working in a chemical plant when everyday I am
challenged with new problems and I get to move about actively. I just can't sit still for long hours in this desk bound job. Regardless, I'll still do my best for this internship and make the most out of it by learning how a public sector job is like. Since my industrial attachment in the next academic year would probably be with a private oil and gas company, I think at the end of my studies I would then be able to make a justified comparison between an office and a technical career. Will I be pushing papers or pushing buttons? I'll soon find out.

Work has started already. Time to go.