Unfeeling

I'm beginning to feel this indifference and numbness taking over me. It's like I suddenly forget how to hold a normal conversation with someone else because I'm just caught up in my own world. I don't really know what to say and why I should say it. It's almost like a solitude that I never asked for but I got it anyway. I don't feel like a human being any more, because these days I don't feel much or think much, I just do whatever I'm supposed to do. I'm just living through each passing day nonchalantly. 

I hope I'll be able to get my normal life back once I ORD. It's time to get things right and make my life worthwhile from then on. I thought for a moment before that my life couldn't be any more perfect but that moment can no longer be foolishly relived. 

What is it about myself that I still don't understand? Sometimes I don't even know who I really am, what is my true identity? What is my purpose here in this world? I keep daydreaming about these thoughts.. 

 

Chasing shadows, living dreams that don't exist

The past few days have been very eventful.

I'll just start from last week, after my boring and uneventful three days of off, I was finally back in camp again. 

9th April, Wednesday 

Went back to camp to sleep that night instead of coming back the next mornin cause I was too lazy. Ended up singing songs till 3am with 2 of the other sergeants in my coy who were going to perform the next day. 

10th April, Thursday 

Woke up feeling really tired cause of staying up late the previous night. Went to run with my CSM and I realised I had better start training for my 2.4 because my running really sucks now :( oh yeah btw, I'm going to be promoted soon to 2nd sergeant, but I must get guards silver first for ippt. Doesn't sound very difficult but I just want to train to make sure I guarantee that guards silver. Waited for the rest of the coy to come back from tekong and they celebrated their recruits' night back in camp. It was really fun with all the performances, songs, dances and games, ate some of the good food from the stalls that were set up there too. Took many photos with my men and fellow commanders too:) overall it was a fun night and if think everyone enjoyed themselves. 

11th April, Friday/12th April, Saturday

Headed back to tekong in preparation for the 24km route march; the final hurdle for my men before they POP as trained soldiers. I knew for sure it was the last time I would be seeing some of them, but for some of them I am glad it was the last time because they really pissed me off on many occasions, even on the very last day. But as for the rest of the platoon, I am very proud of them for completing their 24km, for helping and encouraging each other during the march and showing what a guards unit is capable of as none of them gave up and fell out despite carrying a heavy load and having very little rest time. I'm pretty sure during my BMT in tekong, my field pack wasn't as heavy during the 24km march, and my rest time felt longer than theirs. In fact, their rest time was so short that the entire Alpha Company overtook the BMT company that was in front of them lol. It was a long and tiring march, but they all pulled through and threw their jockey caps on the floating platform. Once that was all over, I headed back to camp to sleep until 5pm, woke up and went to meet some of my NJ classmates for dinner. 

13th April, Sunday

Went to climb at CA with the caveman, PTE Zi Hao and Johnson. It was a very fun time climbing and talking cock with them about what's going in the team right now. Headed back to camp that night to sleep. 

14th April, Monday/15th April, Tuesday 

Both days were commanders' training for the upcoming GAIT. Honestly, I am feeling quite excited and motivated to lead my section during GAIT, even though I'll have to stand in as a Platoon Sergeant as well. I want to perfect all their section drills/weapon technical handling so that they will be a proficient fighting force when it comes to missions during operations in the future. At the same time, I want all of them to be able to complete the veto factors of becoming a guardsman even though it may seem very challenging at first. It's definitely not going to be easy for all of them, but I hope at the end of it all, every single one of them will don their khaki beret with pride. Oh yeah, went for dinner on Tuesday night too with Chubbs, Nightsnack and Dogman, then headed back to camp to sleep. Lol I realise these days I would rather just sleep in camp than go home and sleep. 

16th April, Wednesday 

Started doing my COS duty and just settled lots of saikang. But overall it was a rather relaxed duty. 

17th April, Thursday

Finished off the rest of my duty, then Chubbs came at 8am to take over me and that's when he got arrowed more saikang LOL. Helped him up a bit till 10+ till I really had to leave. Went back home and just lepaked the rest of the day. 

18th April, Friday

Well that just brings me to today. Just went breakfast with my parents and now I'm gonna go pray to my grandfather. Going to go climb with buff and span later lol. 

Mundane

So I was forced to take three off days because I think my superiors don't want all of us to accumulate all the off days and spend it one shot close to ORD though they claim it's because there's no time for off days once GAIT and all that training begins which I find hard to believe. 

And my off days so far have been... Really off :( fell sick with a stupid sore throat and flu that turned into a cough. The flu came because of my stupid decision to bathe and immediately sleep without drying off when I was in camp after a 16km route march and the sore throat came because I lost my voice again after repeatedly raising my voice at one idiot in my platoon. Now I'm spending my off days just recuperating at home through self medication :( well not like there's anything else for me to do, since everyone else is busy in camp or in school. Who the hell is free to go out on weekdays anyway? And even if they are, I don't think there's much to do.. Wanted to climb over the weekends but was feeling too sick to do so. I'm feeling better now so I think I'll go exercise tmr. Don't think I want to go climb on my own because the last time that happened it was a completely unproductive. I have a bad feeling this will be the case when I ORD :/ 

I'm also feeling quite guilty that I was forced to take these off days while some of my fellow sergeants have none or weren't chosen to clear their off now. Now they're doing all the saikang shit while I'm just rotting at home. Honesty I considered going back to camp but I doubt my off will be paid back. In the end, I look like the bad guy cause it's as if I am shirking responsibility and leaving the rest to do all the work. But I find it really strange that your employer gets to choose when you take off/leave days hmm? It's like letting your employer choose when you can go on a holiday because you surely have no say in that. I guess i shouldn't really consider myself employed because I'm still a National Slave Fulltime (NSF) to this organization. I have no qualms about serving, I just think that if this is truly a democratic society, we soldiers deserve the right to choose. And shouldn't it be especially us soldiers? I mean, we give up 2 years of our lives, shouldn't we be treated equally just as every other citizen if not with even more privileges? Yet we're considered the lower class by some in our society. I like how soldiers in other countries are treated with respect and are portrayed professionally, something which is not evident in our armed forces because there are idiots out there who treat our uniform as a welcome sign for criticism and fools that come up with nonsensical movies that degrade the image of our soldiers as a bunch of pussies. I'm not denying that our current generation are mentally weaker because we haven't been through hardship, but I'm just sad that this is how society generalizes the entire army to be like. Ok I think I've ranted a lot, sorry about that. About 8 months+ to go then I'm out of here :)

I hope tomorrow will be a better day.