Finding Footsteps

It feels like I've been taking backward steps in my life right now, nothing seems to progress except time itself.

Like all other posts these days, I'm gonna talk about climbing once again. My finger pulley injury has not recovered yet even though I thought it did. It started hurting immediately right after I got straight back to climbing 2 weeks ago. Forced myself to take another hiatus again and today is Day 11 without climbing. Decided to take this opportunity to fix my chronic right elbow pains as well, gonna see the same TCM that helped to fix my left elbow previously this weekend. I don't know when this pulley injury is going to recover because I can't tell if it still hurts or not until I start climbing again and it would really suck so much if it still does. I plan to start climbing one week before pumpfest, the upcoming competition in June. Honestly I have absolutely no motivation to take part because of this nagging injury which I can't get rid of and hinders my climbing too much for me to bear with it. I wish I could withdraw from the comp but I guess it's too late. Just have to be prepared to get completely rekted for my very 1st open comp :(

Received my results on Monday as well and I didn't do very well this time. It made me think back and reflect on the entire semester. I didn't slack off at all. Not one bit. All I did was study and climb. I thought it was definitely going to be my best sem since Sab had left for her overseas studies already which sort of meant that I had more time to study. But this mindset proved to be my downfall, I kept thinking that success and good grades were guaranteed because of this and I think I might have been negligent and complacent as a result. It was by far the worst sem results I got so far. I can only think of a few reasons why things ended up this way, and it's either because I'm just not smart enough and I need to get smarter, or everyone else is just working harder. I have long accepted the fact that if I were to do well in this extremely competitive course, I would have to study very hard. Which I can say I definitely did; but that's what almost everyone else is doing as well. It goes to show that hard work won't pay off at all in this course because hard work has become a given already. The only way to set yourself apart is to be able to think smarter and faster, something that is difficult to hone by mindless hours of slogging away on lecture notes/tutorials. But how do I get smarter? I think if I want to really get smarter, I can no longer confine myself to just material that's available to everyone else. I have to venture out, practice textbook questions, seek out knowledge beyond the norm. All of this requires time, something which I find myself having less of with each passing sem. Right now my only two commitments are climbing and studies, but it's already taking a toll on me and truth be told I have considered giving up the former. It is a huge sacrifice to make but I feel that this results only proves that I am not capable enough to manage my time properly such that I can achieve the academic results that I want. Climbing has always been an outlet for me amidst all the stress accumulated from studying, it has been the beacon of light in my darkest and saddest moments. It is the community of lifelong friends that I have; it is the sport I will always love. But unfortunately it now seems like I am left with few choices. I'll have to see how things go once next sem starts. This time I plan to start earlier before school starts itself. I think giving myself a headstart would really help. If I want to do well next sem I have to do what the nerds do lol. There's still 4 more sems left for me to salvage this situation and I hope to make the best out of my remaining time. 

Anyway since I've been injured and out of climbing, I've been doing my own PT as well as running more often to train for my upcoming reservist in June. I am actually feeling bittersweet about going back to army again; sweet because I get to see all my brothers in arms after a long time, bitter because I have to take on a responsibility that I'm not very keen on. I've always preferred being a section commander and leading a smaller group of people. Sort of like how I prefer quality over quantity, I believe that I can make a more significant impact and really connect with them on a personal level. Nevertheless, I will still do my utmost best for this new role I am appointed with.

This summer so far is just shitty because it feels like I am moving backwards for everything and nothing is going well. I guess the only good thing is that my internship is quite fun and manageable so far.  But I am looking forward to Sab's return, which will be on 20 June so I'll only get to see her once my reservist ends :( I am certain my life will take a U-turn towards happiness once she is back again :)